Wednesday, June 12, 2013
On commissioning a proper study into the toilet habits of the modern British male
What happened was this: Given the choice of three vacant urinals, the gentleman in front of me ignored all toilet protocol and went for the one in the middle. THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE.
Sickening, I am sure you'll agree.
As we all know, the accepted practice given a row of free pissoirs is to take one on the end, leaving a natural space between you and the next person to arrive. Forcing another visitor to stand next to you is wrong and an invasion of your personal space.
I was forced, dear reader, to take one of the spares either side of him, and such was my rage I couldn't even go until he had left.
However, the experience got me thinking. How many other men are unaware of the correct urinal protocols? How many men have never been taught the rules of the toilet and do this all the time? I suspect that this kill is one being lost down the years, and that's the trouble with great unwritten, unspoken rules.
The first - and most important - thing to do in this case is to commission a study into gentlemen's urinal habits. This means I need to recruit a large number of people to stand around in lavatories with a clipboard and a camera, taking names and addresses of users and their comments on urinal use. This is, I am sure you will agree, the very cutting edge of social science that creates dozens of (albeit very temporary) jobs.
To get the richest cross-section of society, we will also need to put spotters into such diverse places as (naturally) the WC at IKEA in Southampton where it all began, the House of Commons facilities, a Yorkshire working men's club, and the gents at Millwall football ground.
Science will never forget the sacrifice these volunteers are going to make, and a major part of our research grant will go towards buying suitable headstones and memorials for the fallen.
Let's hear it for SCIENCE!