Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The Search for the Next Great TV Detective

There's never a good TV detective drama on these days.

That's mainly because all the best ideas have gone. For example:

Rosemary and Thyme - In which two middle-aged women solve crimes through their knowledge of ornamental gardens

Pie in the Sky - In which Richard Griffiths solves crimes through his knowledge of gourmet cooking

Bergerac - In which Bergerac solves crimes through his knowledge of off-shore tax affairs

Midsomer Murders - In which Bergerac solves crimes through his knowledge of letting serial killers get on with it until there's nobody else left alive

This leaves precious few good ideas for the aspiring TV writer. That's why - as a public service - I've come up with these

Trigger, P.I. - Only Fools and Horses spin-off, in which Roger Lloyd-Pack solves crime through his knowledge of street-sweeping

They Ain't 'Alf Shot, Mum - In which former concert party singer Gunner 'Lofty' Sugden solves crimes through his knowledge of pith helmets

Cowell and Walsh - In which two X Factor judges investigate a series of murders at Boot Camp, through their knowledge of bad cover cover versions of popular songs. An allegory for the state of the entertainment industry in the second decade of the 21st Century

Acorah: Psychic Police - TV dead botherer Derek Acorah attempts to solve crime through his knowledge of speaking to the recently departed, but frustrated as hard-nosed Detective Inspector repeatedly refuses to use "They say they're at peace now" in a court of law

That lot ought to keep ITV4 in repeats until doomsday. Let's make TV!


Gonzoland said...

Saatchi & Mitch - Two unlikely lads team up to solve restaurant tiffs and bicycle-owner rights.

btw: Don 'Lofty' Estelle died in 2003 and was buried with his pith helmet.

Paul Martin said...

Lah-De-Dah Gunner Graham could take over from poor dead Lofty. Where he investigates the murders of nightclub pianists following an all male concert party.

Or... D.I. Will.i.am is CSI Portsmouth, in which he solves murders by spinning on his chair in an old mansion inexplicably filled with the entire suspect list.

wendy house said...

Isle of White 5 OH!

In which the local police investigate ferry prices, festival goers and the boating fraternity

Charlie Uniform November Tango said...

Juliet Oscar Golf Oscar November - set in the lazy town of Reading where PC Backhander can't be arsed to solve any crimes so just let the thieves jog on! Meanwhile his colleague Sargeant "speedy" Gonzalesowski is hot on the case of people going 3 miles an hour more than the limit on the vastern road!

Anonymous said...

'Tackle and Bait' in which, despite following standard procedure, our two heroes never really get much closer to solving this weeks' case.

My Boy Lollicop said...

Walls And Er - Not just cold cases but ice cold cases, that are wafer thin on evidence, are given to the cream of PCSOs.
Episode 1: PCSO Calippo flies to Italy and is on the trail of the elusive Cornetto family. A doddle you might think but Cal' meets danger when she falls into the hands of the 54 For 4 Gang*.
*APILN Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Twp Gere said...

Klaxondale - Face weary motoring freak and car tester, Jeremy Klaxon investigates first world problems and makes some wild guesses.
Episode 1: You torqueing past me?

Bolox E Mulchon said...

I.O.W. 5 No
Undercoat agents investigate Dr. Chalky and his fiendish plan to paint the Isle of Wight white.
Starring: Matt Lavenda and Rose Hint
Dir: R Watts-Steemin
Prod: Art R Cowes