Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The BLASPHEMY of the incorrectly-hung toilet roll

One again, and for reasons far too complicated to explain, I find myself in a church somewhere in the teeming metropolis of Reading - the cold, dark heart of the Thames Valley. Caught short, the result of a badly-cooked bacon sandwich, I find myself contemplating my very existence in one of the toilet stalls that Jesus has thoughtfully provided for his flock. It's a plumbing miracle, I tell you!

But what's this I see?

The toilet roll is on the holder back-to-front, the hanging bit of the paper running down the wall, the work of SATAN.

For did not OUR LORD once say:

"Blessed are those who let the toilet paper runneth over the top of the roll, for they are wise men whose fingers will not go through the perforations at the wrong moment."
Yes. Yes he did. It's in the Bible.

So why, I ask, is this particular establishment (a "Free" church, no less) hanging their toilet rolls in direct defiance to the teachings of OUR LORD?

It is nothing short of BLASPHEMY, and the kind of schism that can and will lead to hundreds of years of warfare; torture; the renting of clothes in twain; and the profane being burned at the stake, refusng to recant their devish toilet roll-hanging ways as the flames lick around their unmentionables.

In the end, I did the only thing that my coscience allowed: I turned the toilet roll around I showed the vicar the blue goldfish, before torching the place and ploughing their fields with salt

No wonder people don't bother with religion these days.

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