Part III of a continuing series listing people who deserve a good, hard slap:- People who speak Esperanto when a perfectly good global language already exists, thanks to several centuries of colonial conquest
- People who say 'ppl'
- People who make desperate, shameless pleas on their blogs to cajole readers into joining their less-than-successful team in online games
- Estate agents
- Mortgage lenders
- Sexually deviant estate agents
- The bastard who put a 40 mph limit on the A35, at the exact point you're looking for a decent racing line
- Creationists
People who do not deserve a good, hard slap
- The person at the Co-op who thought "I know, let's do three Yorkies for a pound this week, that'll be EXCELLENT"
- People who photoshop images of well-known orange-skinned media figures to make them appear even more orange
A public appeal
Please make a short list of people who you think deserve (or do not deserve) a good, hard slap, and we'll get round to them
63 comments:
first!
Ppl who talk with a mouth full of cheeseburger.
People who give their children stupid names. Step forward Ghengis's mother, and you're next, ShaNeeSha's mother.
Could one go so far as to suggest voters in the bloggie awards?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7945816.stm
And Dear Leader needs to pen a missive to his ppl to explain to them why there will be no Friday-night gnocchi for them. Back to the grass stems and crickets.
The know-it-all deserves a good hard slap.
I liked your 'people who say ppl'
People who leave comments before me.
Anybody who cuts me up on the bike riding through Swansea this morning...
oh oh oh! I've got one ... Sir Fred Goodwin.
although I'd probably hafta kick him and bite him too, oh and then mug him
I'll add Gordo and Dahlink to my list of people to blugeon to DETH with a shoe
EVERYONE who owns a BMW.
When I come to power you will be first up against the wall.
TV Chefs are high on the list.
BBC TV Reporters, especially Robert Peston.
Richard Brunstrom.
The woman who named her daughter Lay-ia. It's pronounced 'Laydashia'.
Rik - stick your elbows out. Or use the car.
Do:
Ppl, ppl who need ppl
Estate agents
Josef Fritzl
Dont:
Owls
p.s. Please note that Estate agents are higher on my list than Josef F.
* People who use the word leverage as a verb
* People who finish the toilet roll and don't replace it
* Anyone who wins the lottery and says "oh, it won't change my life..." (Immediately after being slapped, they should have their winnings removed from them)
* The Lighthouse Family
* People who drive battered hot hatches with stereo systems more powerful than their engines
* People who eat their rank-smelling McDogburger on the tube
* Richard Madeley
* People who use their mobile phone whilst driving
* People who design call handling systems for utilities companies
* Creationists
* Anyone involved in the creation of the "Sheila's Wheels" television advert
Arrogant Germans who try to correct a native english speaker on english grammar.
Fuck Right Off, Fritz.
... Especially when they use the dativ to indicate possession instead of genitiv in their own language.
Me, me, me, I deserve one! Ooohuungh...
I don't, I don't, I am not worthy of a slap.
Please slap me.
Squeeeeeal!
People who work at BT.
Upper-management-level arses who use jargon/management-speak.
People who don't look out for motorbikes on the road.
Doctors.
Solicitors.
Tz.
Ppl who work in call centres based in a different continent to the one where the call originated.
Social Workers - the ones who say everyone has the potential to improve themselves as they hand the baby to some spaced out junkie.
Ppl who change lanes in front of me without indicating.
Ppl who constantly use jargon to try and sound clever.
Astropoppet - what's your shoe of choice, a soft shoe so the torture will last longer or something like a Doc Marten, with segs in, sounds more cruchy but the bloods a bugger to wash off the walls.
Bosses who 'task' you to do something instead of asking you.
Jade Goody, as we haven't got much time left to do it!
Harry Redknapp for his continous lying, twitching and for that fecking wii ad after he complained about kids playing on computer games too much. Hypocrit!
Jamie Redknapp, why not slap the whole family!
About 90% of the human population. Including all of France.
Tz.
Has anybody else noticed a very high "Do Slap" compared to "Don't Slap" ratio amongst the comments?
I believe Alexei Sayle once said of management types: "anyone who uses the word 'workshop' and isn't involved in light engineering, is a twat"
that was before he lost every last ounce of street cred (a la Ben Elton) of course...
Do:
Popes who say that condoms cause AIDS (that'll be Bareback XVI then).
Plz Slap:
MBA's
People who can raise only ONE eyebrow.
All Political Pundits
Advertising Execs.
Commodities Traders
Do Not Slap Plz:
Accountants
The lady who brings cookies to work
The guy at Starbucks who remembers my order every morning.
the internet is not big enough to list them all
Just google "cute pics of pets in clothes".
Anyone who has ever posted a pic should just be shot for cruelty to animals.
Also works for pics of ugly kids that their owners think are cute.
Tz.
Michael Winner
Whoever came up with the 118 118 advertising campaign.
JJ
Donna: a traditional wooden clog would be my shoe of choice. I feel it has style as well as weight
Phil Brown so deserves a slap.
Please can somebody slap that "warbling" Welsh twat Rhydian? Theres a jammie dodger in it for ya....?
slap Alan Titchmarsh - preferably with a baseball bat
Tinique: I might be able to help you there...
Anyone who is *not* in some basic way, a social deviant. Wake up and get a life! This is the only one you'll have. Make the most of it!
Anyway, they might just like it. :-)
Right, to be more specific...
-The designer of the Fiat Multipla
-The paparazzi that think Fritzl deserves this much attention.
-The French: Words do not need to have gender.
-The Germans: Gender is bad enough, but to neuter words too???
-The English: It would be good if learning to spell a word was vaguely related to its pronunciation.
-The inventor of Wifi: Was reliability not in your requirements?
-Any company with a telephone menu system that requires more than two button pushes to get to a real person.
Well, it was a little more specific...
Kate Moss
Phillip Green
and if I hear Alan Sugar go one about Apprentices once more I'll slap the bastard my self !
mog
Right now I'm really more stabby than slappy.
Jamie Oliver. A good slapping. Just because.
prince edward
uri geller
harry twitchy judas cnut redknapp and his entire brood
the inventor of marriage
my wife
Lets just cut to the chase. Everybody else needs a good slap.
Oh and is it too late to add Natasha Richardson to the Blogg of DETH?
I fear to list the slappees, lest I break the internets.
What about people who need ppl?
Worthy of a damn good slap:
Anyone in the UK who goes through life unscrupulously, behaving selfishly & thinking that "life hasn't been kind to them" is a good excuse.
Even these days, we, in countries like the UK, don't know were born we have it so good.
Famulus:
"designer of the Fiat Multipla"?
...I shall see you, sir, in the car park, where you will receive a damn good kicking.
...of course, now if Famulus is mugged on the way home tonight, I'm going to be the prime suspect. Dangerous stuff this internet.
isolator42: Are you implying that you...
a) Like the Fiat Multipla.
b) Designed the Fiat Multipla.
c) Think that I am responsible for the design of the Fiat Multipla.
or
d) Just enjoy giving people a good kicking.
Should your answer be a) then I urge you to contact your psychotherapist urgently. Any other answer just means that you are evil. I can live with that.
i am the people who say "ppl"
Neighbours who don't realise that as soon as they leave their house at 6.30am to go to work, even on Saturdays and Sundays, their shitty little Jack Russell barks non-stop for 9 hours. Can I slap them with the dog?
Slapworthy:
- people who want to ban eeeevil guns
- 90% of journalists
- socialist politicians (some overlap between these three)
- both the stars of The Office (UK and US versions)
- ditto on the business-speak morons
- [rest of list, some 20,000 categories, cut off for reasons of brevity]
Not slapworthy:
- Sophia Loren
- Claudia Cardinale
- Monica Bellucci
- the inventor of waterboarding
- errrrr that's about it.
Famulus:
a) & d)
...& also e) I *OWN* a Fiat Multipla.
Well, it's my wife's car but I like it too.
We have 4 kids, so it's a bit useful & it's the best handling MPV I've ever driven. Sure it's looks are shall we say an "acquired taste", but when you're inside it, you become the only one who can't see it :)
isolator42: See! "acquired taste" is the same as "crap but won't admit it". I'm happy to admit that it might well be a great car in all aspects *other* than looks, but in that category it dies a death.
I have owned/driver many, many Fiats and it's the old ones that are the best.
Eminently Slappable:
*Phil Collins, every time.
*People who condense words, such as 'theatre', when saying them i.e. 'thiddr', to imply they are somehow experts and sophisticates.
*Daily Mail editorialisers (unless they turn out to be a box of frogs, in which conservation issues make it complicated)
*stars who do really shitty Comic Relief stuff for Charidee and not because they've got a new album out, except they have, cos look, adverts
Non-slappable, nevernowaynohow:
*Manufacturers and purveyors of Lyle's Golden Syrup
*Chuck Yeager, sound barrier bloke, and anyone other Chuck who genuinely acts like a Chuck should
*comedians who never write books
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Thank you for the wonderful effort
إني تذكـرت والذكرى مؤرقـة * مجـداً تلـيدا بأيـدينا أضعـناه
أنَّى اتجهتَ للإسـلام في بـلـدٍ * تجْده كالطيرِ مقصـوصًا جناحـاه
كـم صرفتنا يـدٌ كنـا نـصرفها * وبات يـملكنا شعب مـلكناه
بالله سل خلف بحر الروم عن عرب * بالأمس كانوا هنا واليوم قد تاهوا
وانزل دمشق وسائل صخر مسجدها * عمن بناه لعل الـصخر ينعـاه
هذى معـالم خرس كـل واحـدة * منهن قامت خطيبـا فاغرا فـاه
الله يعلم ما قلبت سـيرتهم يومـا * وأخطـأ دمـع الـعين
مـجراه
يا من يرى عمـراتكسوه بردته *
الزيت أدمٌ لـه والكـوخ مـأواه
يهتز كسـرى على كرسيه فرقـا * من خوفه ،
وملوك الروم تخشـاه
يا رب فابعث لنا من مثلهم نفـرا * يشـيدون لـنا مـجدا أضعنـاه
Thank you for the wonderful effort
إني تذكـرت والذكرى مؤرقـة * مجـداً تلـيدا بأيـدينا أضعـناه
أنَّى اتجهتَ للإسـلام في بـلـدٍ * تجْده كالطيرِ مقصـوصًا جناحـاه
كـم صرفتنا يـدٌ كنـا نـصرفها * وبات يـملكنا شعب مـلكناه
بالله سل خلف بحر الروم عن عرب *
بالأمس كانوا هنا واليوم قد تاهوا
وانزل دمشق وسائل صخر مسجدها * عمن بناه لعل الـصخر ينعـاه
هذى معـالم خرس كـل واحـدة * منهن قامت خطيبـا فاغرا فـاه
الله يعلم ما قلبت سـيرتهم يومـا * وأخطـأ دمـع الـعين مـجراه
يا من يرى عمـراتكسوه بردته * الزيت أدمٌ لـه والكـوخ مـأواه
يهتز كسـرى على كرسيه فرقـا * من خوفه ، وملوك الروم تخشـاه
يا رب فابعث لنا من مثلهم نفـرا * يشـيدون لـنا مـجدا أضعنـاه
Thank you for the wonderful effort
إني تذكـرت
والذكرى مؤرقـة
مجـداً تلـيدا
بأيـدينا أضعـناه
أنَّى اتجهتَ للإسـلام في بـلـدٍ * تجْده كالطيرِ مقصـوصًا جناحـاه
كـم صرفتنا يـدٌ كنـا نـصرفها * وبات يـملكنا شعب مـلكناه
بالله سل خلف بحر الروم عن عرب * بالأمس كانوا هنا واليوم قد تاهوا
وانزل دمشق وسائل صخر مسجدها * عمن بناه لعل الـصخر ينعـاه
هذى معـالم خرس كـل واحـدة * منهن قامت خطيبـا فاغرا فـاه
الله يعلم ما قلبت سـيرتهم يومـا * وأخطـأ دمـع الـعين مـجراه
يا من يرى عمـراتكسوه بردته * الزيت أدمٌ لـه والكـوخ مـأواه
يهتز كسـرى على كرسيه فرقـا * من خوفه ، وملوك الروم تخشـاه
يا رب فابعث لنا من مثلهم نفـرا * يشـيدون لـنا مـجدا أضعنـاه
Thank you for the wonderful effort
إني تذكـرت والذكرى مؤرقـة * مجـداً تلـيدا بأيـدينا أضعـناه
أنَّى اتجهتَ للإسـلام في بـلـدٍ * تجْده كالطيرِ مقصـوصًا جناحـاه
كـم صرفتنا يـدٌ كنـا نـصرفها * وبات يـملكنا شعب مـلكناه
بالله سل خلف بحر الروم عن عرب * بالأمس كانوا هنا واليوم قد تاهوا
وانزل دمشق وسائل صخر مسجدها * عمن بناه لعل الـصخر ينعـاه
هذى معـالم خرس كـل واحـدة * منهن قامت خطيبـا فاغرا فـاه
الله يعلم ما قلبت سـيرتهم يومـا * وأخطـأ دمـع الـعين مـجراه
يا من يرى عمـراتكسوه بردته * الزيت أدمٌ لـه والكـوخ مـأواه
يهتز كسـرى على كرسيه فرقـا * من خوفه ، وملوك الروم تخشـاه
يا رب فابعث لنا من مثلهم نفـرا * يشـيدون لـنا مـجدا أضعنـاه
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