I used to live next door to our school, which was fine for nipping home for stuff, but meant you could never, ever have an excuse for being late.One night, it snowed. I had to get up early for my paper round, and looking over the school gate, I could see the pristine, virgin snow in the school playground.
There was only one thing for it. Under the cover of darkness, I stole in, and trampled out a fifty-foot long speed-cock in the snow, and legged it for the newsagents for my hard-earned 50p thrusting copies of the Daily Telegraph through posh people's doors.
School assembly.
The headmaster got up on his podium with a grave look on his face.
"Who did it?" he thundered. "Who did that THING in the playground?"
I sat there, ashen-faced, radiating guilt.
"Mrs Ackrill, the caretaker's wife" he stormed, "Mrs Ackrill saw it and had one of her turns".
I thought about it, and considered sticking my hand in the air to own up. No point getting anybody into trouble, and there would be a certain status for being The Boy Who Made The Fifty Foot Snow Cock.
Status that could involve girls.
"There will be NO break-time this morning. Anyone seen in the playground without good excuse faces a week of after-school detention."
I sat on my hands and bit my tongue. For owning up after the entire school had been dealt this collective punishment would have signed my own death warrant.
But now I can confess. It was I who spoiled the entire school's snow fun.
It was I who caused hundreds of kids to watch helplessly from classroom windows as the snow slowly disappeared.
For, by home-time, it had rained, and both the snow and the fifty foot penis were gone.
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