Monday, January 11, 2010

On finding love in the aisles

On finding love in the aisles

Some say the supermarket is the ideal place to find love.

The same people also say there is a code based on the items in your trolley that advertises what kind of partner you are seeking.

I now know this to be true, but have major issues with the lists available elsewhere, as my own personal research has documented.

Take my recent experience in the Weymouth branch of Asda, for example, as I attempt to decode this most mysterious of cyphers through the use of SCIENCE:

My trolley:
- One tin own-brand value sweetcorn
- One pint semi-skimmed milk (reduced to 10p to clear on the cheapskates' counter)
- One Weightwatchers Macaroni Cheese (introductory price: £1.00)

Translates into English as:
"Aged 40-50? Weigh in excess of 300 pounds and look like someone's set fire to your face and beaten the flames out with a cricket bat? Remnants of last night's fish supper still stuck to your voluminous chest? Breath like Satan's arse? GRAB MY ARSE!

The experiment over, I fled, gibbering, into the arms of my delightful assistant, The Fragrant Mrs Duck.

Who knows, dear reader, how the female mind works?

Apart from women, of course.

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