Some say the supermarket is the ideal place to find love.The same people also say there is a code based on the items in your trolley that advertises what kind of partner you are seeking.
I now know this to be true, but have major issues with the lists available elsewhere, as my own personal research has documented.
Take my recent experience in the Weymouth branch of Asda, for example, as I attempt to decode this most mysterious of cyphers through the use of SCIENCE:
My trolley:
- One tin own-brand value sweetcorn
- One pint semi-skimmed milk (reduced to 10p to clear on the cheapskates' counter)
- One Weightwatchers Macaroni Cheese (introductory price: £1.00)
Translates into English as:
"Aged 40-50? Weigh in excess of 300 pounds and look like someone's set fire to your face and beaten the flames out with a cricket bat? Remnants of last night's fish supper still stuck to your voluminous chest? Breath like Satan's arse? GRAB MY ARSE!
The experiment over, I fled, gibbering, into the arms of my delightful assistant, The Fragrant Mrs Duck.
Who knows, dear reader, how the female mind works?
Apart from women, of course.
12 comments:
And where was the industrial strength medicated toilet roll? Or had you not reached that isle yet?
Not my local supermarket, where whilst there is a higher then average instance of MILFs, most of them look down on you as if you're just defecated on their daughter. Chances of love in Co-op: nil
No Fairy Liquid then?
Breath like Satan's Arse? Something you're not telling us?
Last person that looked in my basket without permission got offered an alternative use for potato waffles and lube.
Tzonar
That could explain my failure to pull in the supermarket. Most trips, my trolley screams, "CRAZY CAT LADY!!!"
Today there was a bacon sale at the local market.
I bought 5 packages.
FIVE packages of bacon in my trolley, and I STILL didn't pull any hot guys. Not even any LUKEWARM ones.
BACON!!
*sigh*.
Oh, man! Not even with bacon? What is WRONG with the men in your neck of the woods? BACON! TEH CANDY OF MEATS!!!
You had me at "One tin own-brand value sweetcorn".
It's a good thing you've already bagged Mrs. Duck, because the hot chicks don't really dig Weightwatchers M&C! To throw the Statistics Geeks at Tesco and make their coupon tabulators overheat, you should probably go back and buy $8.00 olives, fancy cream cheese, and Carr crackers.
This reminds me of the time I was going to visit a friend for the evening so I went to the local super market and bought a bottle of wine. I also had a cold so I wanted to by some tissues but I could only buy a big multi pack. While at the check out I bumped into another friend, wine in one hand, tissues in the other, looking like I was planning a romantic evening with myself and planning to put out.
There was this guy who believed very much in true love and decided to take his time to wait for his right girl to appear.
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