Every mad scientist or evil overlord needs a decent secret bunker.A secret bunker staffed with poorly-armed yet impressively uniformed henchmen, as you set about your grim task of saving the world from itself by killing absolutely everybody completely to death, for their own good.
Completely and utterly by chance, and after years of searching, I have found my TOP SECRET bunker for when my plans of taking over the world for its own good finally come to fruition.
And even better, it's local.
Right at the arse end of the Isle of Portland - nobody ever goes there and the ideal place to hatch the destruction of civilisation by drilling down to the Earth's core and injecting it with jelly.
Formerly the Admiralty Underwater Weapons Establishment, where our Royal Navy chaps set about finding new ways of killing the Russian Bear completely TO DEATH, it is now a maze of long, dark twisting corridors; deserted, threatening workshops; and enough concrete walls to line up any number of captured secret agents in front of firing squads.It also has wireless access, its own branch of Travis Perkins for when I need to mass-produce gallows and stuff, a nursery and a luxury health spa.
A luxury health spa which went bust when they realised that a secret bunker at the arse end of Portland is probably not the ideal location for a luxury health spa, nursery and top-class restaurant or not.
Also, they do great deals on personal storage, and frankly, our loft was heaving.
Right: Operation Take Over The World And Kill Everybody To Death For Their Own Good is GO. We are recruiting, and would particularly like to hear from gullible people with endless pots of cash. *cough* Tom Cruise *cough*
We will keep you informed. But - please - don not reveal the location of our Secret Bunker by posting it to the internet.
Oh.
14 comments:
Foist? Foist!
I canna believe it.
Scary dunna bunk, innit?
Thank you.
-S
Hells bells and turd. I could have been first.
Well, if everybody you recruit to kill us all to death are as wacky as you seem to be, what chance have normal, healthy, sane people like me got; unless we emigrate to Mars?
Or is that next on the list?
wont it be a bit lonely, after you've killed everyone to death? why not put everyone through the Total Wipeout course instead. You could kill them if they don't make you laugh as they cross the big red balls.
Your secret is safe with me. Heh. Of course it is.
What's the number if I want to book that spa?
Sounds good to me.
Address for posting of the cheque, please?
"Secret Bunker, Demoratic People's Republic of Portland"
Plz to not kill me to death just yet. I'm still reading Lord of the Rings, innit?
well, little and biggie duckies, I have some grim-reaper news for ya. The end of the world has already been. Jes in case ya didnae knows it.
But hell's smells really awesomely bad, but a million bucks a day and then some, we can always pretend.
This is Mistress Devil's henchwoman and I has me own secret hidey-hole. You gotta see it to believe it.!
Bad assed-porno written by the likes of Casnoava hisself: Heath Ledger. It's okay its jes his ghost. we are all okay with that. Now at least.
(I think)And lotsa of trinkets, gold dust, fairies galore all over the store..(oopsy-daisy) I dunno wanna give it all away.
Their is ducky spas and rock-god guitars, satiny-silky see-through bras of every color you can imagine. Of course, the ghost of Heath hands are in mine, if ya know what I mean.
And then there are caves for snakes and candelit bars, by far they are a scream!
Really. And then are those cat and dog nurseries. Oh boy do they all have a ball.
And so does Mistress devil woman, moi, too.
You all are invited ya hear. some come and I'll wine ya and dine ya and all those, wink kinds of things.
As long as you sell me your soul.
Ah yes, I cannae wait until that day when you all will come my way, til then walk with the wolves, and bay at the moon, they like that a lot.
Keep the rainbow by your side, even in the driving rain.
Ta Ta!
Important bit of information left out:
What flavor of jelly?
Do they offer cheap storage?
I can drop bombs on you (and Portland Signs, Drumgrange and Sea NC Engineering) according to Google maps.
Is there an underground bit that opens out into the sea so you can arrive and leave by sub? That would be awesome.
I can let you have some pre-owned Mini Mokes & I have a great deal on nearly new monorails. German Tony
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