On secret bunkers
Every mad scientist or evil overlord needs a decent secret bunker.
A secret bunker staffed with poorly-armed yet impressively uniformed henchmen, as you set about your grim task of saving the world from itself by killing absolutely everybody completely to death, for their own good.
Completely and utterly by chance, and after years of searching, I have found my TOP SECRET bunker for when my plans of taking over the world for its own good finally come to fruition.
And even better, it's local.
Right at the arse end of the Isle of Portland - nobody ever goes there and the ideal place to hatch the destruction of civilisation by drilling down to the Earth's core and injecting it with jelly.
Formerly the Admiralty Underwater Weapons Establishment, where our Royal Navy chaps set about finding new ways of killing the Russian Bear completely TO DEATH, it is now a maze of long, dark twisting corridors; deserted, threatening workshops; and enough concrete walls to line up any number of captured secret agents in front of firing squads.
It also has wireless access, its own branch of Travis Perkins for when I need to mass-produce gallows and stuff, a nursery and a luxury health spa.
A luxury health spa which went bust when they realised that a secret bunker at the arse end of Portland is probably not the ideal location for a luxury health spa, nursery and top-class restaurant or not.
Also, they do great deals on personal storage, and frankly, our loft was heaving.
Right: Operation Take Over The World And Kill Everybody To Death For Their Own Good is GO. We are recruiting, and would particularly like to hear from gullible people with endless pots of cash. *cough* Tom Cruise *cough*
We will keep you informed. But - please - don not reveal the location of our Secret Bunker by posting it to the internet.