Dear The GovernmentI note with some concern the problems you have faced keeping the roads open in this current cold snap. As a matter of fact, its been a bloody disgrace, you inept bunch of quarter-wits.
But don't worry, because I've had a spunker of an idea that will make that miserable toff Cameron look like the wet and a weed that he is.
When temperatures plummet, why not, I ask, take a leaf out of professional football's book? While football grounds have undersoil heating that keep the pitches lush and green, it is maddening to see so many matches called off as a result of the roads around the grounds being knee deep in snow and ice.
Have you thought of investing in some sort of under-road heating in which an element is fed under the tarmac to keep everything nice and toasty? Just like that warm bit in my dad's kitchen next to the fridge which is either a hot water pipe or an entrace to Hell itself, if you'd care to send some researchers round.
Granted, with tens of thousands of miles of roads to upgrade, it's going to cost a bomb, but think about all the unemployed layabouts you could press into work gangs at minimum wage which will, eventually, gets this once-proud nation back on the move again and we'd be able to get to the match without falling over and breaking our legs.
Think about it: you'd finally get some use out of the 45,000 tons of uranium you found in Iraq.
Your pal,
Albert O'Balsam
PS I am not mad
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