I've made a fantastic new discovery, and being the patriot that I am, it is my duty to offer it to new Defence Secretary Liam Fox.
A letter, then:
I am not mad.
Dear Dr Fox
Congratulations on your new job at the MoD. It's not often a DJ makes the cross-over to high government office, so: RESPECT, dude.
This letter is to inform you of an incredible discovery I have made that will swing the Afghan conflict our way, and save - in these days of austerity - the Treasury £££s!!!
After a careless accident involving a cheese toasted sandwich (I believe you posh types call them 'Welsh Rarebit') and a microwave oven, you may be delighted to hear that I have invented a new way to mass-produce napalm.
All you need is your boffins at Q Division to design some sort toast-shaped gun, and I fully expect this new weapon to be the Scourge of the Taliban within months, Bin Laden cowering in his cave in fear of our new lunch-based bazooka.
Also, left to cool for a bit, and it's a tasty snack for our hard-working troops.
No need to thank me. We're all in this together.
Please play anything by Phil Collins.
And, on a similar vein: THIS