On Heathrow Airport

On Heathrow Airport

Whatever you think about the outcome of the UK General Election, you cannot fault the new coalition government – headed by a newly-revived Morecambe and Wise – for being slow out of the blocks.

Already gone are the plans for ID Cards, and in comes half-arsed political reform.

And there goes the third runway at Heathrow Airport. Although desperately needed to improve transport links, it would have come at the expense of putting extremely wealthy homeowners out on the street as entire villages disappeared under swathes of concrete. As if that was a bad thing.

So – we ask – what can British ingenuity come up with to offset this loss of the new runway?

Think out of the box, that's what.

That's why we at Scaryduck Labs will approach the new Transport Minister with our plans for a double decker runway at Heathrow, allowing two planes to take off and land at once, whilst impressing Londoners with displays of precision formation flying that you only ever see from the Red Arrows at air shows.

"Ah-ha!" I hear you ask, "What about those foreign Johnny pilots who can't fly in formation – what then?"

Silence, you unbelieving fiends, I have this in hand.

The unskilled pilots are merely directed to the existing single-decker Boris Johnson-approved bendy runway at Heathrow, where they vacate the cockpit in favour of a fully-trained British pilot with impressive facial hair. Our man then takes off, joins the "Big Wing" over Hammersmith and then lands – safely – on the upper or lower deck of the new facility, having activated the appropriate colour smoke trails.

I am not mad.