It's THAT time of year again, when the smug bastards of the world switch their computers to Comic Sans (the official typeface of the Third Reich) and tell people they haven't met in twenty years how brilliant their lives are. Yep, the Round Robin letter, coming to a lavish charity Christmas card near you. And there's only one way to fight back: A complete pack of lies:
Dear INSERT NAME HERECut, paste, change the details, print. Go on. You know you want to.
Phew! What an out-of-this-world year it's been for the Duck family!! We mean that quite literally after those lovely, lovely people at NASA paid us a small fortune to remake the science fiction movie 2010, this time as a documentary. And what a roller-coaster trip that was - all the way to to the far reaches of the Solar System and back - although it meant having to cancel our regular trip to the Maldives! Jupiter's nice, and we've bought a villa, but we wouldn’t want to live there!!!
You might have seen me on the television earlier this year, setting up the winning goal for Spain in this year's World Cup final. Yes, we all know I'm not Spanish (I'm now well into my second year as King of Tonga!!), but I got the nod thanks to FIFA's new 'holiday' rules. It turns out that my holiday kickabout in Mallorca's All-Kings Football Tournament last year ago was enough to tip the scales. I say "kickabout", but King Juan Carlos is the worst goalkeeper I've ever seen!!! Even worse than ex-West Ham footballer Carl Gustav XVI of Sweden!!!!
Once again Mrs Duck has been at the sharp end of global diplomacy. Her much-publicised trip to Pyongyang where she administered a cock-punch to leader Kim Jong-Il has gone a long way to reducing tensions in the Korean Peninsula, but she regrets the lack of cameras when she gave heir apparent Kim Jong-Un "the mother of all wedgies", praised by visiting UN Officials as "the laugh-out-loud moment of the decade". Once again she turned down the Nobel Peace prize - the shelf in the downstairs toilet's got six as it is!!!
Meanwhile, the lad Adam is back from his secret mission to Waziristan after being picked up by the SAS who have been keeping an eye on his Call of Duty prowess for some time. He's not allowed to talk about what he got up to in Pakistan's remote mountain region, except to say "Osama's going to be singing soprano in the Al-Qaeda choir from now on." Our HERO!!!
And what to say about our wonderful daughter? As you might have heard by now, she was the brains behind the year's most fantastic hoax - constructing a robot out of spare body parts and a few bits and pieces that fell through the space/time portal in our garden that got within a couple of weeks of reaching the final of The X Factor. If you've got any ideas about what to do with our spare Wagnerbot, don't tell us - we don't care what you think!!!
No Christmas letter would be complete without mention of our wonderful little dog Lucy Minogue. Puppy's hung up her lead after winning Cruft's three years in a row, and is now working hard for charitable causes. Despite hobnobbing with the likes of the Pope, Bono and Rick Astley, she's not lost touch with the common people - she savaged a tramp to death only last week!!!
We would - at this point - wish you all a very happy Christmas and a prosperous New Year. But - to be perfectly honest, we wouldn't care a fig if you won Britain's Got Talent juggling your own shit while Ann Widdecombe plays a solo on her bongos.
With love!
The Duck Family (Scary)
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