In which INTERNATIONAL JUSTICE crushes a few skulls
The red light flashed on my red Bat-Phone and I sprung into action. Someone, somewhere needed my help. Someone, somewhere needed the benefit of my special powers. That's right. Someone's getting a letter.
Dear The International Criminal Court
Congratulations on yourr recent high-level arrests of some of the world's greatest bastards! Your capture of the gits behind those Halifax TV adverts leads me to believe that you're doing a fine job and I'd be willing to help out in any way, for eg: holding their arms while someone puts the boot in.
However, there is one area in which I fear you lack credibility, that being in the protection of the general population from the hideous crime that is in-store muzak, especially at this culturally-sensitive time of year.
Now, I like a good tune as much as the next man, but I shall never forget the sight of a very dear friend of mine, left in tears and rocking back and forth like Arthur Fowler out of EastEnders after he'd been caught stealing the Christmas Club money to pay for Michelle's wedding, simply because he had walked into Superdrug and found herself subjected to a dreadful plinky-plonk cover version of a much-loved song by The Cure.
And with Christmas being less than a month away, we've already had several weeks of Chrstmas Carols in our retail outlets, from jolly choral vintage awfulness to happy hardcore versions of Silent Night. Customers and shop staff alike are being pummelled and mentally tortured by these crimes against everything our society stands for. THIS MUST BE STOPPED.
This is where you chaps come in. Hunt down the curs behind this stream of filth and inanity like the dogs they are, and subject them to a little bit of a musical re-education. For eg, the sound their skulls make when subjected to the attention of a large group of Canadian seal clubbers. We know you're a little bit busy with some of the most awful people who ever walked the Earth, so this approach will negate the need for a costly trial and save you a lot of paperwork into the bargain.
Do let us know if we can go ahead with our excellent plan which can only be of benefit to our great civilisation (unless you are involved in the production and distribution of in-store muzak). Seal-clubbing season's just around the corner, and Jacques and the lads are getting a bit twitchy.