On the approved use of soup

On the approved use of soup

A bowl is placed in front of me.

"What's that?"

"Soup," she says.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. It's Spring Vegetable and Herb."

"It looks like the result of a kidney infection if you ask me."

"Well - if you must know - it's organic, slimming and very nutricious."

And that, dear reader is yet another example of the BLASPHEMY that is rife in the kitchens and dining rooms of this once-proud nation. There exists a list of officially-approved, ponce-free soups that should be served, lest you be accused of being a ponce. Failure to comply is punishable by CRAB JUSTICE.

- Heinz Cream of Tomato (Note: Variations involving "A hint of parsley" are wrong and a shortcut to The Way of the Ponce. " A hint of the Devil's pubes", more like)

- Heinz Chicken Noodle

- Duck (starring the Marx Brothers)

Every Saturday since I was a lad, my lunch has consisted of a tin of tomato soup and half a loaf of buttered, fresh bread. No wonder I'm a bloater, but that is the price one pays. Once, my father attempted to jazz it up with extra tomatoes, herbs and other ingredients out of the Larder of Ponce. That is the kind of trauma that makes serial killers.