On the Scaryduckworth-Lewis method for rating things for excellence - 2011 Edition
It has come to my attention that I have not updated the Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method of Rating Things for Excellence list (the internet's number one at-a-glance table for rating things for excellence) for a good 18 months. In that time, the world has changed, and the list is looking decidedly out-of-date.
And with the new year, the list has been comprehensively re-written to discard the dead wood that is Sharon Osborne, Tess Jowell and the Beeny-Allsopp axis. In comes entirely new sacrificial blood that is the very measure of our society as we begin the second decade of the 21st Century.
The Scaryduckworth-Lewis method for rating things for excellence - 2011 Edition
0. Ann Widdecombe dancing the paso doble. On Gillian McKeith's poo-spattered face
1. Margaret Thatcher fixing you in the eye in the lobby of the Conservative Party Conference, demanding "Lick me, Dennis"
2. The Duchess of Cornwall, feasting on barely-dead roadkill, giving you the eye as blood, blood, BLOOD streams over her naked torso
3. Susan Boyle inviting you back to her place to stroke her pussy, only to find that her cat went solo over artistic differences
4. Waking up from a night of barely-remembered ecstasy for Force's Sweetheart Dame Vera Lynn to roll over and whisper "We'll meet again"
5. Home Secretary Theresa May using police 'kettling' techniques for her own sickening pleasure
6. Katie Price and her evil twin Jordan fighting over the riding crop and bicycle pump
7. Sarah Palin frotting herself against a grizzly bear
8. Kerry Katona refusing to go to Iceland until she's coughed up the last of yesterday's Babycham
9. Your proud protruberance disappearing to the size of an airbed nozzle as Madonna offers you a happy finish with her granny claw hands
10. Fern Britton, smeared with Ryvita and cottage cheese, pointing hungrily at your sausage platter
11. Maggie Philbin. The perfectly-formed yardstick from which all female beauty and character should be measured
12. Cheryl Cole and the ginger one out of Girls Aloud having a "reet canny time, like" in a tin bath brimming with cold chicken korma
13. Michelle Obama posing for "White House"
14. Carla Bruni, quaking with breathless excitement at a private screening of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
15. Amy Pond travelling back in time to last night to create the best time paradox ever. In your face, Asimov!
16. Two Minogues, One Cup
17. Konnie Huq. Sticky-back plastic. Home-made, battery-powered Olympic torch.
18. Nigella Lawson, on her knees, begging to taste your gravy
19. Countdown's Rachel Riley looking up swears with a lightly-oiled Susie Dent in Dictionary Corner
20. Kate Middleton discovering the forbidden delights of Princess Beatrice and her "Royal Wee"
We have, in the past, been accused by some quarters of sexism over the all-female make-up of this system. And the booboys (not to mention boogirls) would be absolutely correct. So, to put things right, we present:
The Scaryduckworth-Lewis method for rating things for excellence - Girls' Edition
0. Chuckle Brothers spit-roast. "To me, to you"
11. Harry Hill in a roll-neck sweater
20. John Barrowman using it as a skipping rope
Yeah, it needs a bit of work.