Coming Soon: RABIES

I've just dreamed up a brand new TV detective drama: Andie MacDowell and her Rabid Owl, in which the Four Weddings and a Funeral star fights crime with the help of her owl, which has rabies.

In much the same vein that Rosemary and Thyme featured two middle-aged gardeners solving crimes through the knowledge of gardening, Andie MacDowell and her Rabid Owl will bring the baddies to book through their shared knowledge of owls and rabies.

However, this whole Rabid Owl concept depends on whether Andie MacDowell is immune to rabies. I cetrainly hope so - this could be the next CSI, and you don't want it to fall to pieces after the pilot episode just because your star is foaming at the mouth and dying.

There's no point bing a rabies-based crime fighter if you're going to end up with rabies yourself. Clearly, I haven't thought this through, and I need some sort of immunisation programme for actors that will cover the rash of rabies-based dramas about to hit our screens.

And, frankly, we've got to get it to the screens quick, or it'll be up against science-based rabies crime drama Professor Brian Cox and His Rabid Fox, in which Professor Brian Cox brings baddies to book through their shared knowledge of science, foxes and rabies.

Wait... I've got it...

Brian Cox and His Rabid Brian Cox, in which the actor Brian Cox fights crime with science's Professor Brian Cox, who has rabies. A desperate race against time as somebody is going around killing rowing enthusiasts with Cox's Orange Pippins, poisoned with rabies. Starring TV's Benedict Cumberbatch as Brian Cox, and TV's Matt Smith as Brian Cox.

Rabies: It's the viral disease that gives on giving.