Monday, February 20, 2006



"Dear Private Eye,

I wonder if any of your readers have noticed the striking resemblance between Colin Hunt, the amusingly coiffured office annoyance from the popular television programme The Fast Show; and Chris Martin, the amusingly coiffured musical annoyance from the popular beat combo Coldplay?

I wonder, if by chance, they are related.

Yrs etc

Dan Prick"

Ticker Ticker Timex

I got a watch for my birthday. It is the biggest, heaviest wristwatch in the world and has the look and feel of having a coffin strapped to your arm.

Luckily for me, it was engineered by Q Division of the British Secret Service, and has features that are so secret and mind-bogglingly excellent, that I would have to activate the built-in memory eraser if I ever told you.

Needless to say, the See-Through-Ladies-Clothes function is a firm favourite, but really sucks up battery power. I have yet to attempt "Renew Library Books" and "Fidel Castro-a-like" yet.

It is the best watch, ever, and reminds me of this poor quality joke I once saw in a poor quality jokebook:

Dad: "What happened to the shock-proof, water-proof, bullet-proof, lightning-proof, radiation-proof, acid-proof wristwatch I gave you for your birthday?"

Son: "I lost it."

I will never lose this watch. Because it's as big as Basingstoke.

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