Monday, March 11, 2013

My Falling-Out With Heinz Cream Of Tomato Soup

My very existence is shaken. Shaken to the very core.

Dear Heinz

Congratulations on marketing the best ever thing in the world: Tinned Cream of Tomato Soup. Your Cream of Tomato Soup is indeed the soup of champions, and my kitchen cupboard is rarely without a tin.

However, I should draw your attention to your new "Squeeze and Serve" Cream of Tomato soup, which I purchased in the hope that it retains the sheer excellence of your tinned version, but without the extra expense and planetary destruction of tins.

How wrong I was.

Soup in a tube. What were you thinking?

Squeeze and Serve Cream of Tomato Soup manages to entirely lose the tinny tang that you get with the version out of a can. It is a mere shadow of the original, sitting lamely in my mug, no better than inferior efforts from thoses curs at Kn*rr and C*mb*lls of whom we never speak.

In bringing Cream of Tomato Soup down to tube-size, you have managed to extract the very innate Soupiness that made it great. Call it magic. Call it pixie dust. Call it the body of a dozy tomato picker who succumbed to the rotating blades of the tomato processing machinery, we shall never know. But it is missing from Squeeze and Serve.

In fact, I would go as far as saying that while Tinned Cream of Tomato Soup is The God Of Soups, Squeeze and Serve is nothing more than a HERESY and should be treated accordingly. For eg: KILLED with FIRE.

Please tell me that this product was a dreadful experiment that got out of hand, and those involved have been flogged around the company as per His Majesty's Articles of War.

Let's not fall out over this. I love you. We can make it up.

Albert O'Balsam.

That'll tell 'em


Mr Larrington said...

I commend unto Sir Mr Sainsbury's own-brand Soupy-stuffs, which can be heated in a microwave without all this tedious mucking about with cooking implements and neatly fills one of those hemispherical bowls from Mr Ikea. This is my standard rugby-watching lunch, albeit accompanied by a can of BEER.

Erin said...

You'll print their response, won't you?