The Return of FACTS
FACT! Computer printer ink is a highly refined mix of panda spunk, crushed Sierra Leonean blood diamonds and Princess Diana's pube shavings. Hence the price
FACT! The world's best tribute act is "Katie Price tied to a tree and shot with a blunderbuss loaded with her own shit." No, wait. That's not a tribute act, just wishful thinking
FACT! A warning for health food fans: One monkey nut in every 1,000,000 is a real monkey's nut
FACT! A warning for lovers of unhealthy food: One Cadbury's Crème Egg in every 10,000 contains a real bird embryo, fresh as the day it was plucked from the nest and wrapped in foil. One in every ten million contains a live lizard – get a Komodo Dragon, win a Metro!
FACT! Famed for her prolific writing which spawned hundred of children's books, Enid Blyton's greatest regret was that she never found a publisher for what she considered her meisterwerk: The harrowing, uncompromising look into the dark heart of English village life in the early part of the 20th century - "The Famous Five: Paedo-geddon"
FACT! In a desperate attempt to find work on long-running BBC drama Casualty, the female lead singer of 80s pop group dollar has changed her name to Thereza Bazar-Spacehopperaccident
FACT! George Lucas has finally announced the title of the next instalment in the Star Wars saga. It is to be called Star Wars Episode VII: Flogging a Dead Bantha
FACT! Crisis has struck Jonathan Ross's backing band Four Poofs and a Piano. Not only have they lost their regular Friday night gig, but one of them has come out as straight. And the piano's run off with a Wurlitzer organ
FACT! While pop's Lady Gaga prances around the world looking like a dog's dinner, her husband Lord Horace Featherstone Gaga is a respected member of the House of Lords where he sits on the government benches