Thursday, March 10, 2011

Biscuit Top Ten ...err... Twelve

Biscuit Top Ten ...err... Twelve

Steven at the Enemies of Reason blog lists the top twenty of biscuits, along with lengthy reasoning as to his decision-making process.

He is, of course, wrong, with some of his selections crossing over into the wide-open fields of BLASPHEMY, where the only fitting punishment is to be fired out of a cannon straight at a cheese-grater, the pieces fed to ferrets, and the ferrets fired into the heart of the sun. And that's me being merciful.

As any fool knows, the top ten-ish of biscuits is as follows. PAY ATTENTION, there may be questions later:

1. Chocolate Digestives. Must be McVities. MUST be plain chocolate. All you milk chocolate heathens should go flush your own heads down the toliet until you either a) drown or b) see sense

2. Tim Tams. The Australian for awesome. They're a penguin bar! They're a straw! They come in flavours! They helped push my weight up until somebody asked me if I was pregnant! Australia may be shit at cricket, but they know their biscuits.

3. Bourbon. Named after the infamous 1830 Bourbon Revolution, when French citizens rose up against poor quality biscuits, these aristocrats of snack foods may only be enjoyed in a minimum quantity of six. For optimum enjoyment, build a small fort out of biscuits and eat your way out, just as the French revolutionaries did

4. Cheddars. The first savour biscuit on this list, slightly more flavoursome than their Mini Cheddar cousins, giving you the impression that a large enough dose may actually kill you. Mortal danger: That is exactly what biscuit-eating should be all about

5. Custard Creams. Too good to share with other people who do not appreciate the hard work that goes into manufacturing these marvels, the intricate decoration on these biscuity gods is applied to each one by hand by children in the Philippines, providing crucial child labour in an otherwise impoverished market. Give these kids a chance! Eat more Custard Creams!

6. The Tunnocks Wafer. "Over 37,000,000,000,000,000 of these biscuits are made every day", the wrapper boasts, most of which are fired into space to appease potential Alien Invaders with their tasty gorgeousness. Most of the others are then injected directly into the bloodstram of Scottish people. The remaining three are shared with the rest of the world on a timeshare basis. Pristine examples fetch up to 20p on the open market.

7. Hob Nobs. Lose points for being a tad too crumbly, but have replaced the otherwise praiseworthy yet structurally unsound Rich Tea as the biscuit of choice for tea-dunking

8. Arse. Think about it. If it were not for the human ability to lay arse biscuits, how would we be able to make room for real biscuits? That is why "Arse" is Number Eight with a bullet

9. Ginger Snaps. A well constructed ginger snap has the immense advantage of maintaining its structural integrity after a good dunking in a hot drink, and - dammit - this has to count for something in the cut-throat world of biscuit baking, Also make a good improvised mini-nunchuk if things turn nasty

10. Garibaldi. A biscuit named after a famous revolutionary. Calling them "squashed fly biscuits" is an excellent defence against thieving children. FACT: One Squashed Fly Biscuit in ten contains an actual squashed fly

11. Wagon Wheels. The official snack food of Premier League football for the last four decades. I remember my dad taking me to see a Chelsea match when I was nine years old, and eating a Wagon Wheel which was three feet across. These days they are the size of a postage stamp, and hence their inability to crack the top ten. Sort it out, you planks!

12. Malted Milk. Biscuits with a picture of a cow on them. A Picture. Of A Cow. HINT: Push four together, and see how a young Andy Warhol was inspired to take up art during a tea-break at the iron foundry
And, at the bottom of the pile, the sweepings of the floor of the biscuit factory:

1,734,915. Nice biscuits. Not nice. Hardly biscuits. When I become World President, my first decree will be to have these products re-labelled "Sun-dried Dolphin spunk"

1,734,916-9 Choco Liebniz / Bahlsen Waffleten / Amaretti: I want biscuits, not an evening class on Modern European Languages. You'll get Hob Nobs and like it, you worshippers at the Altar of Poncery. No wonder they lost the war if that's the kind of biscuit they produce.

1,734,920 Jammy Dodgers. FUCK OFF.
You will note that Jaffa Cakes are omitted from this list. And that is because they are cake. Number One in the list of Top Ten Cake. Anyone who says otherwise had better note my previous comments re: ferrets.

As usual, we welcome your comments and death threats, which we shall read out loud in a whiny voice for the amusement of biscuit aficionados.

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