Monday, March 28, 2011

On writing open letters

On writing open letters

"I saw this item on the BBC website", said a Facebook pal, "and I thought of you":

BBC: Open Letters: Why are they on the increase?

Time to deploy a high-risk strategy:

Dear the BBC,

My attention has been drawn to an item on your so-called news website on the subject of Open Letters, asking the reader why the long-lost art of letter-writing is being revived to draw public attention to matters of national, local and parochial interest.

It does, of course, completely miss the point, for eg: My very own epic letter of complaint aimed at the cold, dark heart of D***** V****** R******, which is to become a West End Musical, video game, tie-in novel and Hollywood Blockbuster movie, illustrating the traction that these letters can generate once set loose into the wild, hunting down readers like an angry buzzard.

Sadly, the open nature of Open Letters often gives the target the excuse not to exercise his or her right to reply, leading to the temptation - and one to which I have not sunk - of the Open Poo In A Box, or - worse still - the Open Leopard Which Hasn't Eaten For Six Days Because I Sent It By Second Class Post.

The art of letter-writing is not lost at all, for there are quite literally several angry, middle-aged, middle-class blokes hammering out letters to shoddy restaurants, half-witted bureaucrats and company directors, copying their mind-farts to the editorial desk of local and national media organisations, who then file them in the bin where they belong.

One can only praise the internet for encouraging this lunacy. Most news organisations allow commenting on their stories, which gives many ranting imbeciles and immediate outlet for their fury, usually culminating in the words "VOTE BNP,,,,,,,,", giving we genuine letter-writing lunatics the elbow room to write considered editor-baiting fury in our own time.

Sadly, there are also various fiends, ne'er-do-wells and BLASPHEMERS who revel in the so-called art of the Poem To Local Newspapers, who should be stamped out immediately, preferably by firing them bodily out of a cannon through the rotating propellers of Lancaster bomber, the bits fed to leopards, and the leopard shit dropped on that Japanese nuclear reactor to cool the molten fuel rods, it being the only language these curs understand. Especially if you can make it rhyme.

Apart from that: Great work. Keep it up. Write something about Leopards and their everyday use in the workplace.

Your pal,

Albert O'Balsam
Job. Done.

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