It's WAR. And war is HELL.
"Colonel Gaddafi could be a coalition target," says Foreign Secretary William Hague, "depending on the circumstances."
But, in the cut and thrust of international diplomacy where dropping bombs on your own people is considered at no-no sufficent to warrant a strongly-worded letter from the United Nation, what would be a crime so heinous as to incur the fatal wrath of the coalition?
As somebody on the Twitters told me: "Didn't pay his tuition fees back".
But, I pointed out, that could be years down the line as Gaddafi deliberately enrols as a mature student and has his salary paid into an offshore account so that he never meets the salary threshold.
So, we ask, what is Mad Dog Gaddafi doing RIGHT NOW that would bring down the wrath of a strike from a British aircraft carrier? If we had an aircraft carrier. Or, indeed, aircraft.
- Not separating the recycling in his rubbishThings which would not make Gaddafi a coalition target:
- Putting his bin out on the wrong day
- Smoking in his place of work without retiring to the shelter in the car park before lighting up
- Parking in the disabled bays at Tesco, swearing "but I'm only using the cash machine" before going off for his weekly shop
- Taking his dog for a walk, but not using a poop-scoop
- Protesting about the closure of village libraries in West Dorset, although he has never once set foot inside his local branch
- Speeding up if he sees an old lady about to use a zebra crossing
- Hanging round crowded pubs on a Friday night, drinking out of unattended pint glasses
- Having a loud mobile phone conversation on a train whilst seated in the Quiet Carriage
- Punched a kitten
- Scraping the letters N U R O F N off Nurofen tablets and selling them to kids as "E"
- Sitting in his car for five minutes in a crowded town car park after finishing a Saturday shopping trip, eating his Greggs sausage roll and leafing idly through the Daily Star when he knows there's another car waiting for his space
- Paying himself £3m as a bonus for steering the Royal Bank of Libya to a record annual lossStandard Disclaimer: Muammar Gaddafi is a murderous bastard who should be kicking his heels in The Hague on the way to answering for his crimes against humanity. And if you can't laugh at bastards, what can you do?