Monday, March 14, 2011



"And another thing you'll need when you move house," said the financial advisor, "Is to pay somebody for a survey on the property."

I knew that, but she ploughed on regardless.

"I know that, but I expect you'll plough on regardless."

"I shall plough on regardless."

"Thought so."

"It's up to you whether you just have the basic survey to satisfy the mortgage lender; or to shell out the extra for complete piece of mind."

"Can you give me a 'such as'?"

"Such as if there's subsidence. Or boundary disputes. Or, perhaps if there's any urgent work that needs doing."

"Or," I chipped in, getting into the swing of things, "if the house is built on an old Indian burial ground. And old Indian burial ground that hides a dreadful curse."

"What? In Weymouth?"

"Especially in Weymouth. They found that pit full of dead Vikings recently, and Vikings were ALWAYS at war with the Indians. Didn't you learn anything at school?"

"I was more into numbers, but I don't think..."

"And let's not forget that (FACT!) TK Maxx is built on the old plague pits."

"Wait... what?"

"Indians AND Vikings AND shambling Undead Plague Victims. Just make sure no house we buy is built on the CURS-ED remains of Indians, Vikings or shambling Undead Plague Victims, or you'll be facing the Financial Ombudsman before you can say 'Hagar the Horrible'."

"Please leave."

"You don't - by any chance - sell Zombie insurance*?"


"That's a 'no' then."

* I've since been told that the correct term is "Unexpected Vitality Cover". Live and learn

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