On taking leave of one's census

On taking leave of one's census

This coming 27th March marks the 2011 Census in the UK, and Census forms are already dropping through letter boxes up and down the country. Some people are even going to fill them in.

While millions flip a coin over whether to put themselves down as a Jedi or a member of the Holy Church of Don't Be A Dick, many more, however, have been perplexed by Question 17.

Or rather, the lack of a Question 17.

Everybody turn to Question 17. Colonials: You'll just have to share. There you'll see the words "This question intentionally left blank".

W T and indeed F?

The answer to this is simple: It's reserved for Scottish and Welsh forms and is about use of language.

In Scotland, the question is "How well do you speak English?" In much of Glasgow, the correct reply is, of course, "Help ma Boab!"

In Wales, it is about the use of the Welsh language.

So, what do we, the persecuted English majority put in the space provided?

After consulting with an ACTUAL OFFICIAL WELSH, I am told that you should write in "Nag ydw, dw i ddim yn siarad Gymraeg", which will earn you a million excellence points at the Office of National Statistics, and a knock on the door in the middle of the night from the dreaded Cymru Rouge.

Then, you can put on your best Max Boyce cod Welsh accent and say "I know, because I was there."

Or, draw a picture of a man's willy. Your call.