A list of things not to put on your CV

A list of things not to put on your CV

With government cuts starting to bite, it's time to dust down the old curriculum vitae for when the worst comes to the worst. Sadly many people make a number of easily-avoidable mistakes which could well do them out of their dream job.

Here, then is a short list of CV statements you should avoid if you want to get an interview:

"I could kill you with a thought"

"I am a practising member of the Jedi religion, and am personally responsible for the training and welfare of three younglings"

"I require three twenty minute breaks each working day to be breastfed"

"I spent my gap year after university as a hostage of aliens from the Sirius star system, where I was forced to partake in a number of experiments with Amazon women"

"Hobbies: Your mum"

"Marital status: Single. But if you're asking, why not dinner tonight? Then, if things go well, we can take a taxi back to your place, where I can pretend to spill coffee down your dress, and before we know it, we're locked in passionate embrace, tongues and hands finding parts that….(continues for twenty-seven detailed and eye-watering pages)… and then you'd be my WIFE"

"Previous Employers: Membership Secretary, British National Party. Duties: Tearing up application forms from people who sound too foreign"

"Personal website: http://www.fetishswingersindorset.co.uk"

"Education: First National University of Professional Assassins (Mail Order). Also, The Daily Mirror Book of Facts"

"Education: THE HOLY BIBLE (Authorized King James Version of 1611 ONLY), paying particular attention to Deuteronomy 22, vv13-30"

"Personal achievements: Was in the 1994 edition of the Guinness Book of Records - World's loudest measured fart. 117dB, hospitalising Record Breakers host Cheryl Baker in the process"

"If selected for interview, please ensure that no women are present. My parole officer and psychiatrist both agree that this would be for the best"

"Celebrities I'd like to see naked: Nigella Lawson, Carol Vorderman, the new bird on Countdown, Brian Blessed"

What, we ask, could possibly go wrong?