With government cuts starting to bite, it's time to dust down the old curriculum vitae for when the worst comes to the worst. Sadly many people make a number of easily-avoidable mistakes which could well do them out of their dream job.Here, then is a short list of CV statements you should avoid if you want to get an interview:
What, we ask, could possibly go wrong?
"I could kill you with a thought"
"I am a practising member of the Jedi religion, and am personally responsible for the training and welfare of three younglings"
"I require three twenty minute breaks each working day to be breastfed"
"I spent my gap year after university as a hostage of aliens from the Sirius star system, where I was forced to partake in a number of experiments with Amazon women"
"Hobbies: Your mum"
"Marital status: Single. But if you're asking, why not dinner tonight? Then, if things go well, we can take a taxi back to your place, where I can pretend to spill coffee down your dress, and before we know it, we're locked in passionate embrace, tongues and hands finding parts that….(continues for twenty-seven detailed and eye-watering pages)… and then you'd be my WIFE"
"Previous Employers: Membership Secretary, British National Party. Duties: Tearing up application forms from people who sound too foreign"
"Personal website: http://www.fetishswingersindorset.co.uk"
"Education: First National University of Professional Assassins (Mail Order). Also, The Daily Mirror Book of Facts"
"Education: THE HOLY BIBLE (Authorized King James Version of 1611 ONLY), paying particular attention to Deuteronomy 22, vv13-30"
"Personal achievements: Was in the 1994 edition of the Guinness Book of Records - World's loudest measured fart. 117dB, hospitalising Record Breakers host Cheryl Baker in the process"
"If selected for interview, please ensure that no women are present. My parole officer and psychiatrist both agree that this would be for the best"
"Celebrities I'd like to see naked: Nigella Lawson, Carol Vorderman, the new bird on Countdown, Brian Blessed"
12 comments:
FURST!
I'll bet loads of people look up that Bible reference in Deuteronomy out of curiosity.
Also, "Hobbies: Your mum"
... genius :)
Isolator, I cba.
What is it, someone?
Those penguins in a queue looking for a job are TV news executives responsible for maddening cacophony, spinning graphics and speedy subtitles airing on their channels. As a viewer, I start feeling sick and stressed after just a few minutes and have to click through channels, looking for comfortable listening/viewing experience. Sky, Bloomberg, BBC, CNN, Press TV, France24, RT, Aljazeera, I find are all the same, trying to outdo each other, forgetting their audience.
Press TV used to be quiet and calm but is getting into ramping up graphics, fast changing apocalyptic scenes and music to advertise itself and its programmes. CCTV comes across as best because it is calm. Lately, in order to catch up on news, I've had to switch off TV and read news on computer with volume switched low or off. Can't bear screechy voiced female presenters, all sound the same.
TV news subtitles move and change too quickly, impossible to read, absorb, remember and digest. I feel sorry for viewers whose English is not their main language, it must be hard work for them to concentrate. Not to mention elderly, visually impaired, invalids etc. TV news channels appear to be broadcasting to themselves. It's like they're on speed (maybe they are, bring in drug tests), talking too fast. They make me sick. Press the OFF button. Eject.
The "new bird on Countdown" = the fragrant Rachel Reily?
The really frightening thing is that some of these CV statements might actually GET someone an interview.
And I really, really wish - sometimes - that I could do the first one. =D
Here's another; that your last real job was over 10 years ago.
Interviews? My god, I recall, going through three of the blighters for one particular position, that I was releived of inside two years. Are you a doctor, or a nuclear scientist, I hear you ask. No, the interview was for a poxy recruitment consultancy. Advanced apologies to all recruitment consultants out there, but I am sure you catch my drift.
I got interview THREE TIMES for a job as a clerk in a life insurance office and then didn't get hired. Although three months later they called and offered the job to me as the person they had hired didn't work out so well.
Their interview process was suspect, to say the least.
Marital Status: It's Complicated....
Pseusie - its the one about not marrying your mother.
forgive me for asking but....
Why do you want to see Brian Blessed in the scud?
There is a person on the course for the terminally unemployable that I am currently attending (obviously by default, I have actually done real work before) whose hobby is er...watching Red Dwarf. He wants to work for the BBC producing comedy programmes, inspired by Red Dwarf. His email address is along the lines of lister@smeg.org . These people really do exist an are totally mystified at their inability to obtain gainful employ.
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