The Kerry Katona drinking game
It started as a harmless bit of channel surfing to see what all the fuss was about with all these celebrity reality programmes. Giving The Only Way Is Essex the short shrift that it deserves, I find myself completely addicted to the car-crash television that is Kerry Katona: The Next Chapter. I have no doubt that Kerry's actually quite pleasant when not being followed by cameras. But we will never know.
And it being Chip Shop Kerry, the only way that you can sensibly watch this televisual feast is to get yourself completely arseholed.
So, here are the official, not-endorsed by Kerry Katona in any way, rules of the Kerry Katona Drinking Game
1. Watch Kerry Katona: the Next Chapter (ITV2 9pm, repeated forever)
2. Take a drink every time...
- Long shot of her enormous lake-side home in Surrey
- Kerry bursts into tears for no reason whatsoever
- Filmed reading her own press in the gossip mags, and bursts into tears
- Talks about her bankruptcy, and bursts into tears
- Says "I'm just trying to be the best mum I can"
- Ham-fisted Kerry-does-something-heartwarming-with-the-kids-that-looks-completely-staged scene
- "Kerry has been called for an ostensibly pointless meeting in London with her agent"
- Her manager says "That's what we're all about, getting Kerry into a good place," or...
- Her manager says "She's on her way back"
- Filmed shooting a fitness video, or doing PR for a recently-filmed fitness video
- Filmed getting into an argument with a random in the street
- Filmed flirting with random in the street
- Kerry makes pretend phone call
3. Knock back the entire bottle...
- Stagger to your feet during an advert break to find Kerry on the sofa joining in with the Kerry Katona drinking game
I fully expect to be completely blatted within the first ten minutes.