Since I stopped taking the pills for me nerves, I like to think that I am a pretty calm individual, no longer taken with dark thoughts of hacking colleagues to pieces and burying them in the car park just because they muscled in front of you in the staff kitchen and used up all the water in the kettle. Yes, this is a heinous crime, but hardly worth painful death. Not for the first offence, at least.
So, during one my regular Thursday Nutters Club meeting at a local church hall, the casual observer may have been surprised to see your author shouting like a maniac at a leaflet he had found amongst the religious literature you tend to find in these places, a source of endless material for deity-curious atheists and acolytes of The Holy Church of Don't Be A Dick.
And the message of the leaftlet which had provoked my ire was this: "If you need anything, pray to our man Jehovah, and if he deems you pious enough, he will provide".
So, we get this sort of turd-spurt:
"I needed a job, prayed, and God provided me with a part-time post at a supermarket. Nice one, Lord, I no longer have to drink my own urine."No... I'll think you'll find supermarkets take on anybody who applies as long as they have approximately the correct number of arms and legs. Unless, of course, the Invisible Sky Zombie is head of recruiting at Sainsbury's.
"I was carrying a cross across Wales, but ran out of water. I prayed, and somebody gave me water. Praise Jehovah, I no longer have to drink my own urine!"Wait... WHAT? You were doing WHAT?
"We were looking for a house, prayed, went to an estate agent and found a house. Our piss-drinking days are over, all thanks to Jehovah!"And I always thought estate agents were in the service of Satan (who, if God created the entire universe and everything in it, was created by ...err... God)
"I bought an oil lamp as a holiday souvenir when I visited the Holy Land. Recently, we had a power cut that had me praying and drinking my own urine, before I realised that God had provided me with a Lamp. Thanks, God!"Shut up. Just SHUT UP.
And a large number of testimonies that read along the lines of: "I run a Christian organisation that relies on people giving us money. Sometimes people give us money, usually just as we are running out and drinking our own urine. Thanks, God!"
If you could put this in a flow chart:
Disaster > Urine drinking > Prayer > Money > Thank magic Sky Zombie > Take long holiday > Store urine in bottles > Repeat as Required
Normally, I'd say that this kind of harmless religion keeps these people off the streets. But no. These people are ON the streets, carrying crosses around Wales and making otherwise innocent estate agents doubt their sanity.
And, to be perfectly frank, it's asshattery like this that forces me to mock religion, and mock it hard. And to prove my point, I haven't prayed at all today, yet I have found a bottle of whisky on the bus. At least I think it's a bottle of whisky. Who's joining me for a snifter?