On keeping Formula One boring
Despite all the tinkering and rule changes, the sad fact is that Formula One motor racing is still a boring procession where the first driver to the bend at the end of the pit straight wins.
Why not, radio's Danny Baker tweets, "make drivers do the last lap on foot?"
That's a spanker of an idea, but not enough. What they really need to do is bring back the old-style starts, where somebody fires the starting gun, the drivers have to leg it to their cars, start up, and drive away.
This means that particularly slow and/or fat drivers run the risk of getting run over, which would make F1 both better, and give more opportunities for up-and-coming drivers as they scrape Michael Schumacher off the track.
Still not good enough, and I propose that the mandarins at the FIA take a page from the School Sports Day book: Make the run to the cars an obstacle course.
1. Crawl under a net
3. Get dressed into overalls, welly boots and big floppy hat
4. Three-legged race with their mum
And then, once they reach their cars, the keys are all in a big bowl, like a swinger's party. One set of keys is for a clown car.
Once that's all done, there's the handicap system: Winner of the previous race has to drive a bright pink Nissan Micra. Not just for the next race, but he also has to drive it to the next racing circuit.
And to keep things on edge, one car is fitted - at random, in secret, and in the middle of the night - with an ejector seat. Bet on the right car and the lap number - win a Proton!
Brilliant, I'm sure you will agree. But I'm certain they'll find a way of keeping F1 boring.
Edit: Twitter's @tweetyaca offers this suggestion - "Hurdles"