It's all gone completely tits down at the Olympic Park as those claret-and-blue curs West Ham United pull out of their bid to buy the Olympic Stadium once the 2012 Games are over.
A great big spanner in the works in the shape of Tottenham Hotspur Football Club, who want to move away from North London for the murky comforts of the East End is being blamed for this turn of events, made the more strange by the Totts' desire to level the entire stadium and build a new one on the site, out of turds and the boxes of riot-liberated 42-inch screen TVs.
That would - I am sure you'll agree - be a complete waste, and would put the "Crap Football Team" into "Crap Football Team acting like a crap football team, somebody crap through their letterbox, it being the only language these curs understand". Not that I'm letting personal sporting allegiances get in the way of things.
So, what, exactly, should we do with the Olympic Stadium if it's not going to be used for football post-2012? We've come up with a few suggestions:
- Seal up all the holes and use it to make the world's biggest beef stew. The nearby velodrome can be used to make the world's biggest vegetarian option.Nah, forget the last one, that would be STUPID
- Add a crust - HEY PRESTO! - The world's biggest pie
- 1970s South American-style detention centre for political prisoners. Also, Level 42
- A bit of a paint job, and turn it into an advert for Polo mints that can only be seen from space
- Fill it with Helium, and open a Joe Pasquale Theme Park
- Kidnap Lady Gaga, sit her at a giant piano and force her to take part in the planet's greatest ever cockney knees-up, at gunpoint if necessary
- Force the BBC to film EastEnders there, and watch the cast literally explode out of confusion when the new Albert Square is, in fact, round
- Return it to its previous use, that being Europe's number one recruiting and training area for slatterns
- Wrap it in cling film to keep it nice and fresh just in case somebody needs an Olympic Stadium at some point in the future
- Just a thought: World-class athletics venue