A couple of years ago, I took the UK Government's Citizenship test for immigrants to see if I - a recent graduate with a degree in social sciences and politics - would be a fit UK Citizen. I failed, miserably.
It popped up again recently in The Guardian, and one thing leading to another, I decided to give it another go. I have lived in the UK for all but one of my 45 years, but clearly this one year was when I needed to learn all the important stuff. I failed again, and now I'm hoping that Albania will have me.
But then, looking closer at the questions, I notice that it is a cunningly worded trap. Virtually all of the questions are of absolutely NO USE to the average British citizen in any way shape or form.
Do you need to know if the governing body of the EU is the Council of the European Union or the Council of Europe? No, for not a single fuck is given.
What the UK Citizenship test needs to find the true measure of its newest citizens is a bunch of questions that REALLY matter.
And the make-or-break questions:
- Name the four current judges on The X Factor
- Name all six firemen on Trumpton
- In The Italian Job, what part of the van was he only supposed to bloody blow off?
- Have you ever, or are you ever likely to have, sexual relations with Katie Price? (Trick question, the correct answer is always YES)
- Nice to see you, to see you?
- Name all Blue Peter presenters and pets since 1958, IN DATE ORDER
- You are waiting in a queue at the Post Office .Somebody pushes in at the front of the line. What do you do?
a) Tell them the error of their ways
b) Say "There's a queue, you know" in a disguised voice
c) Get so angry that you almost say something
- Translate the following into Cockney: "I say! I fell down the stairs at the Public House and sustained an injury to my rear end"
- In the sitcom Dad's Army, whose name is going on ze list?
- If a person starts a statement with the phrase "I'm not racist, but..." is he
b) A Daily Mail reader
c) A massive racist
- Complete the following: Middle! Middle! Middle!
- Paul Gascoigne is best known as
a) Legendary England footballer who cried during the 1990 World Cup
b) Enormous piss artist
c) Emergency provider of fried chicken, beer and fishing rods to the mentally unhinged
- You are making a cup of tea. Milk in first or milk in last?Still, Tirana's nice this time of year
- Would you like a biscuit?
- Daddy or chips?
More of this kind of thing by my pal Col N. M. E. Adthy-Gates HERE