Thanks to SCIENCE and MATHS, readers will be interested to learn that I have invented a time machine.
The unfortunate news for prospective time travelers is that this device can only go forward in time, so those of you wanting to have it off with Joan of Arc are in for a bit of a disappointment. Nonetheless, I have filed papers with the Patent Office for my time machine, which I have christened: "Twelve pints of London Pride"
Here's how it works: You drink twelve pints of London Pride. Then, everything goes black and before you know it, it is 48 hours later.
Also, the side effects of this kind of time travel are dreadful, and may include headache, nausea, being sick inna hedge, arriving dressed as a tramp in vomit-spattered clothing, or on board a ferry headed to Denmark.
However, with the help of a grant from those lovely people at SMIRNOFF Vodka, I am hoping to iron out these wrinkles with my Mark II Time Machine, which shall be called "Three Bottles of Tasty SMIRNOFF Vodka, sponsored by tasty SMIRNOFF Vodka"
See you in the future!