THIS WEEK'S CHARITY APPEAL
Every day, thousands of apostrophes are misused, abused and dumped in the street by their uncaring owners.
We get reports on an hourly basis of such horrors as BURGER'S, CHILDRENS MEAL'S and RESIDENT'S ONLY, these poor apostrophes humiliated in public - often in comic sans - then abandoned without shelter, food or money.
If you see a shop-keeper, restaurant owner or church jumble sale volunteer abusing apostrophes, ACT QUICKLY. Punch the cur in the fork (it being the only language they understand), then call the police who are legally obliged to also punch the curs in the fork.
And once you have done that, send money, because this campaign to rehouse orphaned apostrophes is quite extraordinarily expensive.
Make your cheques out to Calumniated Apostrophes Safe House (or C.A.S.H.) and we will do the rest.
Please: Think of the apostrophes.