On selling my soul for free Doritos and Pepsi
"Hey, Scary!" says The Man, "How would you like some awesome free stuff if you sell us your soul in the name of Pepsi and Doritos?"
"How awesome?" I ask, knowing full well the many bloggers are very much attached to their souls and would never, ever sully their reputation and integrity to give publicity to a major worldwide corporation.
"VERY. That's how awesome," said The Man in bold text, and I am well and truly in.
Weeks pass, and a box arrives. This box:
Yeah, that's a bit awesome, and it contains everything I might need if I were to be a superhero.
And free Jalapeno Fire Doritos and Lime Pepsi Max.
And free invisibility glasses, which render the wearer ACTUALLY INVISIBLE (field tested in the changing rooms in the Reading branch of New Look, cells at Reading Police Station)
And a free DVD of a mediocre movie, which would make your average anger-activated superhero angry enough to turn green and rip their clothes off
And a free book which you DO NOT NEED if you have superhero powers. Unlucky, mere mortals
And the money shot:
An actual HAND DRAWN picture of your author as an actual superhero - The Scary Duck - complete with hideous pecking attack, and the ability to break a man's arm with a single flap of his wing, and Done An Egg powers. Weakness: Bread, large corporations offering free stuff.
And the taste test? We took the free Doritos and Pepsi to an actual fight followed by an actual English Premier Ice Hockey League match last Saturday night.
Verdict: Jalapeno Doritos = HotHotHot; Lime Pepsi Max = CoolCoolCool; Doritos = HotHotHot; repeat for whole MASSIVE packet until - my mouth a crucible of flame - forced out into the middle of Slough Jets v Sheffield Steeldogs during the final interval to lick the ice.
Seconds later, I was run over by the Zamboni, but IT WAS WORTH IT.
Who needs a soul? I have my BEAK OF FURY super power and I feel great. And pecky. And I done a red-hot egg*. Thanks, The Man!
* At least I think it was an egg.