Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Condensed Films: Superman - The Movie

Condensed Films: Superman - The Movie

Another week, another movie classic, beaten to death with the rock hammer of justice, parcelled up tight and turned out in one easy-to-read chunk. You will kneel before me, son of Jor-El.

Superman - The Movie

Marlon Brando: Hello. I am M. Brando and I am excellent. Unfortunately, my planet is about to explode, which is why I have foolishly banished my arch-enemy G. Zod to another dimension. Equally foolishly, there is a design flaw in the spaceship I have built to escape this plant in that it is only big enough to take a baby. What a twat am I, eh?

G. Zod: See ya later sucka! LOL

M. Brando: Now I am dead. Ouch.

Superbaby: I am not, however. Nice one old geezer!

Superkid: I am on teh Earth. I am strong. LOLZ

Superteenager: fapfapfapFAPFAPFAPFAPFAP SPAFF! OMFG! I have spaffed my super-jizz in that Superfosterdad'd eye and killed him to death. I'm for the high jump now, eh readers?

Superfostermum: You filthy git. Take your green glowy thing and your alien porn and get yourself a job, FFS.

Superman: Hello. I am C. Kent and I am excellent.

L. Lane: No. No, you R a dork. LOL. On the other hand, that Superman makes me wet like a moistened clam. (.)(.)

S. Man: If only I could tell her. I'd split her from arse to tit. LOL

L. Lane: *sigh* If only I could see his Superprong. I wouldn't walk for a week. LOL

L. Luthor: Hello. I am L. Luthor and I am excellent. Now to take over the world by killing S. Man to death and blowing up California.

S. Man: Oh yeah? Not after I've bummed you to death, guy. ROFL

L. Luthor: ONOZ! Not teh buttsecks! Luckily, I have teh green glowy thing. Teh green glowy thing that will kill U 2 DEATH! LOLZERZ!

S. Man: OMFG! I am teh dying. Dying to death!

L. Luthor: Nothing can stop me now. MWA HA HA HAAAARGH! Also: LOL

Miss Nipples: Plz to save world, S. Man

S. Man: Ta

L. Lane: OMFG! L. Luthor has blown up California and I have fallen in a hole and died to death. Thanks a fucking bunch for saving me, S. Man.

S. Man: I am too late to save L. Lane. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMFG!

L. Lane: Look, just cut the ham acting, son - wind back the clock and make me alive again.

S. Man: Right you are.

M. Brando: Hey! I'm a cloud. Wheeeee!

L. Lane: Hey! I'm alive again, and nothing appears to have happened.

S. Man: Yay for me! I am teh excellent!

L. Lane: Which beggars the question - did S. Man actually do anything? No. I believe he did not.

S. Man: Arse.

L. Lane: Also, when you made the Earth stop on its axis, all the seas would have flown off into space, along with the atmosphere and every living thing. Answer me that, red grundies. You're worse than yr father, FFS.

S. Man: Shut up, gravel-voiced tramp!

L. Lane: You're shit, S. Man. Really, really SHIT.

S. Man: *punch* LOL

L. Luthor: And I notice that you have put me in prison for a crime I have not committed in this timeline. Call this justice? You're SHIT, S. Man. Also, that outfit makes you look like a homo. LOL

S. Man: You bastards! I'm off horse riding.

Superman II

G. Zod: Kneel B4 Zod, son of M. Brando. LOL

S. Man: No.

G. Zod: FFS. Why not?

S. Man: I am in a wheelchair, you insensitive prick.



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