Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Things to do in a shed (a list)

Things to do in a shed (a list)

I have, on several occasions, written on the need for a man to own a shed.

While the woman of the house holds sway indoors with soft furnishings, "take those muddy boots off", "don't sit on the cushions, you'll squash them" and any number of rules pertaining to the position and cleanliness of toilet seats, the man's position in his shed remains sacred.

And so it should remain

The shed is the one place in the man's domain where he still holds power. The power to tinker with bits of machinery, hide contraband from the wife and to take a poo in a carrier bag whenever the situation should arise.

We have, however, noted a disturbing trend of late where sheds are being removed an replaced with summer houses, complete with soft furnishings and the trappings of womanhood. This must stop.

The only reason a shed should be removed is for the construction of a jerry-built workshop, complete with mains hook-up and elaborate air-extraction system for power tools. As long as the manly spirit of shed remains, it remains a shed.

Those of you who allow womanhood to encroach over the boundaries into your sacred domain: shame. The only woman who should come near your shed is Sarah Beeny whilst presenting your Shed of the Year trophy and lifetime's supply of baby oil. For this is where our campaign starts.

The Twat has started a Facebook group devoted to the preservation of Shed Culture, and it is your manly duty to sign up. No girls. Start your own group discussing soft furnishings and the contents of Ewan McGregor's trousers, if you must.

Here is a list of things you should be doing to ensure your castle remains a bastion of masculinity:

1. Make stuff with manly tools
2. Chainsaw maintenance
3. Start a clandestine radio station, La Voz de la Cabina Libre
4. Hide

5. Have a secret snifter of a decent malt
6. Claim shed is in a mobile phone blackspot
7. Arrange wireless internet access
8. Store nails in jars

9. Put down carpet tiles over false floor that hides obsessively indexed scud collection
10. Fill out application form for Shed of the Year (presented by Sarah Beeny)
11. Sand wood
12. Saw wood

13. Other things involving wood
14. Construct a shelf in order to store your paint-stirring stick
15. Listen to Radio 4
16. Drink strong tea

17. Feed small pieces of fillet steak to your pet spider to see how big it will get
18. Consider a blog post entitled "Things to do in a shed (a list)"

Plz to add to list. No girly stuff.

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