Actor Richard Wilson was in the Radio Times last week, saying how much he detests people coming up to him in the street shouting his I-thought-I-got-rid-of-this-shit-ten-years-ago catchphrase "I don't believe it!" morning, noon and night.The poor bloke thought he'd left that role behind when Victor Meldrew met his untimely demise back in 2000, but endless repeats mean that the grumpy old bastard is never off our screens.
Top marks to him for trying to beat the type-casting, having accepted the roles of a long-haired sage in Merlin and a long-haired zombie sage in the terrible Demons, but I suspect that as soon as he stepped outside for a pint of milk and twenty Rothmans a mocking "I don't believe it!" would follow him down the street.
He even tried to laugh it off in an episode of Father Ted, but no. He really is quite a misery about it.
And – sorry everybody – I blame myself.
It is early 2002, and the Duck family has gone on holiday to Florida.
We stood, sweating, in a crowded immigration hall at Orlando Airport, all the cattle class mixed in with the toffs from the executive lounge.
And there, nearing the front of the queue, is a familiar figure in a long coat, flat cap, carrying his possessions in a string bag.
It is. It is TV's Victor Meldrew.
Of course, even under the steely-eyed glare of heavily-armed US Immigration officials, you cannot help yourself.
"Iiiiii... DON'T BELIEVE IT!"
The fragrant Mrs Duck elbowed me in the ribs, but it was too late. Others had taken up the call as Meldrew tried – fruitlessly – to pull his cap right down over his face.
"I don't believe it!"
"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!"
Before long, several hundred people were chanting the words "I DON'T BELIEVE IT" like a football crowd until Meldrew eventually made it to the desk, answered (in the positive) whether he intended to harm the president, and fled, giving all and sundry the most withering glance possible.
A week later, we were in the Penguin House at Orlando Sea World. You step on a moving belt at one end, and are transported – very slowly – along the front of the glassed-in penguin colony and dumped out the other end, where you buy a toy penguin from the gift shop.
About half-way along (for the third time) there is the sound of a disturbance at the entrance.
"I don't BELIEVE it!"
The strained sound of a tired, tired old man saying "Oh God, no!" before the chorus began once more:
"I don't BELIEEEEVE it!"
The following year, he went on a tour of monasteries on the far side of the Himalayas, where he beat three monks to death.
That – people – is how I broke one of our nation's top acting talents.
Sorry.
If only he had chosen some other catchphrase - "Suck my plums" springs to mind. No bugger would have shouted THAT to him in the street.
Greetings Holy Moly readers. I'll shut up now.
22 comments:
Inconceivable!
Father Dougal: "I don't believe you!"
Seaworld? I was there last september.
Did you see the dreadfully sentimentally cheesy killer whale show?
I was saying "I don't BELIEEEEEVE it!", even though Richard Wilson wasn't there.
Mind you, it could have been worse. After his appearence in Dr. Who, people could have been following him shouting "Are you my mummy?!"
Suck my plums.
I believe it.
wonderfully crafted...as usual
Oh Scary, you didn't did you? *shakes head* If only you HAD shouted "suck my plums" - less shame and probably some terrifying offers from large Americans
Eventually he'll completely flip out, pick up an M16 assault rifle and stalk through the corridors of the BBC eliminating those responsible for the endless repeats of One Foot in the Grave. Joining him will be Patricia Routledge (who, naturally would be carrying a H&K G36 plus a couple of grenades)and Gordon Kaye (AK47, bowie knife in sock).
A friend of mine has a witty little catchphrase he uses when surprized that would have suited VM.
"Fuck me sideways with a yellow banana!"
I doubt many folks would shout that out after him either...
Oh and Steve Dix: If I ever meet Mr Wilson I shall try the 'Are you my mummy?' line!
And Mr Si: Didn't that already happen sometime last week?
Or was it another of 'those' dreams that I have occasionaly...?
PS. Still hating these blogger comments, Duckuss.
I Love it! I'm laughing out loud right now and I can't help but read his quotes in that grumpy old man voice.
I believe you would be the first to shout "suck my plums." This would start a trend (like you did in the Orlando Airport), and then it would be just another catch phrase that would eventually send this man to a padded cell.
All in a day's work for you, I'm thinking. :)
I believe Erin is correct. YOU would do just such a thing. In concert with Vicus, apparently.
NEWS FLASH!
Second snow day in one week! New world record! w00t!
"I don't believe it!"
Where's the drunkeness and heaving bosoms?
Tzonar.
Possibly it was the toy penguin?
@ Tzonar.
They are implied.
Tzonar - they're at my place!
Implied bosoms don't count. I demand bosoms.
Mr Si: a "c" cup would probably suit you.
Tzonar
I don't believe my plums.
...sorry, that was bordering on a JM comment.
Mr Si. Let's just say I could give you the number of a guy if you want bosoms that much. Only an overnight stay in hospital, so I'm told!
Scary: one day you will be in the queue, and you will hear some young smart arse say "DONE A POO" one time too many. You should start practising your most withering glance possible right now.
p.s. Good luck with the operation Mr Si.
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