On 100% of TRUTH

On 100% of TRUTH

Seeing as I can't be bothered to update The House of Lies, here's a short list of stuff - some old, some new - that are guaranteed 100% of TRUTH.

- One-eyed cyborg prime minister Gordon Brown isn't the only senior politician missing crucial parts of their anatomy. London mayor Boris Johnson lost his johnson in a bizarre dry-humping accident in 2007 and now – thanks to the miracles of modern SCIENCE – now has a championship-standard set of golf clubs grafted to his trouser parts.

- Popeye the Sailor Man is not actually a sailor, and as a result of a bizarre bathtub accident at the age of three, has never been near a boat. He only dresses in the sailor outfit because of his deep admiration of the Village People.

- A Swan can not only break a man's arm with one flap of its wing – a well-known fact that is 100% of TRUTH – but they are also adept pick-pockets and protection racketeers who fear no human except the Queen Mum, who they had bumped off in 2002.

- In an emergency session, the United Nations has voted to ban Synchronised Swimming due to its connections with totalitarian regimes, genocide, torture and being total crap. Anyone taking part in this satanic activity is now liable to death by boiling and/or 240 volts straight up the deep end.

- Despite the tragedy of Heath Ledger's early death, studio bosses responsible for Oscar-winning musical "The Dark Knight" are privately congratulating themselves on the fact that first choice for the part – TV's Barry Chuckle – ruled himself out of the role thanks to earlier panto commitments in Ipswich. The good news is that Barry has made himself available for the sequel "The Dark and Stormy Knight", which goes into production later this year.

- The latest hit game for the Nintendo Wii is Nintendo Wii Nintendo Wii Simulator, in which you control on-screen characters who are playing Nintendo Wii games, including Nintendo Wii Nintendo Wii Simulator. If you're good enough, you get to unlock a secret level where your Nintendo Wii Nintendo Wii Simulator character playing Nintendo Wii Nintendo Wii Simulator also controls a character playing Nintendo Wii Nintendo Wii Simulator. We think.