Two words: Holly Willoughby. I know what you're thinking. He's going to bang on for five hundred words on the wonders of those peachy bazongas that can only be fully appreciated with the advent of 3-D television, any old excuse to reproduce THAT photograph.
And you'd be KING of WRONG.
For here is my confession: I watch Dancing on Ice and – following strict instructions from above – I like it.
To be sure, certain of the female contestants are not without their charms (A hub a hub a Coleen Nolan a hub I am not mad a hub hub); Todd Carty can probably keep his Buster Keaton tribute act going for another week or two before the joke wears thin; and Philip Schofield continues his quest to be the loudest, orangest man on television – but there are two things which fascinate me.
No, two other things.
H. Willoughby's buttocks.
I know that Miss Willoughby is with child, and – by God – she is every inch the blooming, radiant mother-to-be. But how, we ask on a weekly basis, HOW is it that she only appears to be pregnant in her arse?
She appears – without fail – every Sunday evening, looking all the world that somebody has put a bike pump where the sun don't shine and inflated to 60 psi.
The only other woman I saw like that had a job for the council as a bicycle park.
I am hypnotised. Hypnotised to the point that I have to be threatened with Wild At Heart if I do not shut up about the Arse of Willoughby (which is rapidly becoming The New Arse of Lopez).
Yeah. Wild At Heart.
Or: Man meets girl. Man falls in love with girl despite knowing she is Amanda Holden and ergo mental. Man marries girl. Man and girl move to Africa. Girl is killed TO DEATH in comedy bush fire. Man has brief fling with leopard. Man falls in love with two other girls, all the time thinking about H. Willoughby's buttocks. Other girls have cat-fight while man sells tickets. Man realises his true love is for the hairy, drunken Afrikaner. Man hides his shame with sordid threesome involving Hayley Mills and her sister, which might have been acceptable thirty years ago and... oh... am I thinking out loud again? THE END.
How many times have we seen the same old, old story?
Thank [deity or non-belief system of your choice] that Emmerdale hasn't gone to toilet yet.
Oh.
37 comments:
Philip Schofield. The memory parts of the brain start firing, and an image of a fresh-faced television presenter, fronting a music show in New Zealand when I was a teenager. Could it be the same man?
http://tvpresenters.thetvroomplus.com/channel-1.html
But your P Schofield is so OLD.
Second. Huzzah for the time difference.
Yes, it's the same man. I used to have a crush on him. For shame.
Turd.
SSS - does that mean we are old, too?
You could see it that way, yes. I prefer not to. Although I have discovered the fountain of youth that is hair dye and Old Schofield has not. Epic win!
WTF are you on about?
Man, with this & heartbeat... are you obsessed with the goggle box?
Yes. Yes I am.
I used to watch Going Live as a kid. Except for the hair, Schofield appears not to have aged since then. Either:
(a) This because I am also older, or
(b) He IS Peter Pan.
Clearly she's having twins, there's 1 in each buttock.
's bit unfair of her to sit on them though, poor little sods haven't even had time to collect their congratulatory ASBOs & birth certs yet.
German "small buttocks" Tony
German Tony - good one! :)
What would happen if she were having triplets?
Erin: Piles.
Tzonar
Have never seen this "Scofield" person, but if he hosted a music show and has appeared not to have aged, perhaps he is really Dick Clark, whom many of us believe has an exceptionally hideous portrait of himself in his attic.
Ah, nice one, I didn't think of that:
(c) He's a real life Dorian Gray.
Volunteers to rummage around in Schofield's attic? Anyone? Anyone?
I'm a Christian, & I'll be damned if I'm reading that lot...
...please respond to this with the standard combination of wit & cynisism :)
Sod that: Xtian spam spiked, and spiked hard.
I really wish you wouldn't remove comments until we've all had a chance to read them and disaprove.
Tzonar
That's one damned prominent botty...
Oh dear. I bet you didn't know that Holly's botty was information most important.
One of the drawbacks of blogger commenting.
See? As Audrey has pointed out, there is yet another drawback to blogger commenting!
The Haloscan comments are not busted! Scary has lied to you all, y'hear me? Lied!
Also, with the Haloscan comments, you don't have to use HTML and the links work you you put them in.
Also, also, you can get a link up to your homepage rather than anyone being directed to your blogger profile instead.
BTW, Scary, I chose today's DED photo especially for you, and you still haven't popped over to have a bash at my box!
Seeing as you can't leave a homepage addy with your name, my addy is http://misty69stuff.blogspot.com/ so you can't tell me you forgot it, akay?
Love and kisses,
M xxx
PPS. I met Gordon the Gopher once.
Philip Schofield had his hand up the pooor thing's arse.
You don't like Christian stuff? Not even the Christian Bale redone by Christian O'Connell with sound effects? You haven't lived, infidel pig dogs.
And yeah, poxy not linking to my flickr page comments box... can we go back to how it always was, always should be, till the end of time, as it still is at Misty's esteemed blog?
It boggles the mind to think what kind of horrid comment would get deleted from this blog.
The deleted posts were just some nutball spam about God, Jesus, repent all ye sinners or wrath shall blah blah & all that.
As I've said, I happen to believe in God.
Strangely, I never feel the need to shove my personal beliefs down anyone else's throat. Let's just say the crusades were a learning curve, shall we? :)
Oh. The god botherers. Bless 'em. I figure they're I'm for some shock come judgement day. My money's on killing anyone who doesn't agree with you turning out to be DOIN IT RONG.
You're actually getting Christian spam/hate mail? Out of all the smut you can find on the internet, they chose to harrass you? I have to agree with isolator42 and Dawn.
Also - Tzonar, piles sounds about right. :)
What happened to thou shalt not kill?
Well current Biblical Scholarship says that they got the translation in the King James version a bit wrong. It is supposed to be, "Thou shall not murder." Considering the number of Christian sect use the Kill version to justify pacifism the fights out behind the various religious universities gyms have been quite violent. Uhm, thou shalt not maim lest one inadvertently murder.
Yours in Christ
Toad, assistant chaplain of the Prince of Peace Polo Team, Dallas Baptist University.
Armageddon Thru To You
If you've been wondering why it seems like the world around us is unraveling, it's because the last days as foretold in the bible are now upon us. Just as it was 2000 years ago, many were unable to discern the signs of Jesus Christ's first coming (Mat 16:3), as will many concerning his second coming, which will occur very soon. Yes many have proclaimed a similar sentiment many times in the past, but their errors have no bearing on today other than to lull you into spiritual apathy, and that too was prophesied to occur in the last days.
If you're not a believer in Jesus Christ because you're an atheist, consider that the underlying impetus for your disbelief is most likely borne of pride and here's why:
When we die, if you as an atheist were right, then there is no upside or downside for anyone regarding the afterlife. We will all simply cease to exist
However if we Christians were right about our belief in the afterlife, then we will be given eternal life and you as an atheist will receive eternal damnation
Given the choices, the position held by an atheist is a fools bet any way you look at it because the atheist has everything to lose and nothing to gain. It is tantamount to accepting a “heads I win, tails you lose” coin toss proposition from someone. And that someone by the way is Satan (see Ephesians 6:12).
The only way to explain the attitude held by an atheist is pride, pure and simple. The intellectually dishonest and/or tortured reasoning used by atheists to try and disprove the existence of God is nothing more than attempts to posture themselves as superior (a symptom of pride). And as anyone who has read their bible knows, this is precisely the character flaw that befell Lucifer, God's formerly most high angel. (Isaiah 14:12-15). Is it any wonder then why the bible is so replete with references to pride as the cause of mankind's downfall?
Pride permeates our lives and burdens us in ways that most of us seldom recognize. Ironically, pride is the one thing that can blind someone to things even the unsighted can see. And sadly pride will blind many with an otherwise good heart, to accepting the offer of eternal salvation that Christ bought and paid for with his life.
In any event, if you're an atheist, I wish you only the best for every day of the rest of your life because for you, this life is as close to heaven as you'll ever get, but for believers in Christ, this life is as close to hell as we'll ever get.
If you're not a believer and follower of Jesus Christ because you are of another faith, please take the time to very carefully compare your faith to Christianity and ask yourself, why is the bible the only religious book with both hundreds of proven prophecies already fulfilled as well as those being fulfilled today? No other religion can claim anything remotely close to this fact. Many Christians who are serious students of bible prophecy are already aware of the role and significance of bible prophecy in foretelling end time events. God gave us prophecy as evidence of his divine holiness to know the begining from the end (Isa 46:10). God also believed prophecy to be so important that to those willing to read the most prophetic book in the bible, the Book of Revelation, he promised a special blessing (see Rev 1:3), and this is the only book in the bible that God gives its reader a special blessing for reading. Something to think about.
Don't risk losing Christ's offer of eternal life by not accepting him as your savior and by thinking that the bible is nothing more than a compilation of unrelated and scattered stories about people who lived 2,000 plus years ago. If you take the time to study (not just read) the bible, you will literally be shocked to learn things you would have never imagined would be revealed in it. Did you know that like parables, God also uses particular months and days in the Jewish calendar, Jewish Feasts and customs, solar and lunar phases, celestial alignments, gematria (Hebrew numerology) early bible events and more as patterns and models to foretell future events?
Consider the following interesting facts about the bible that testify to its God-inspired authorship:
Did you know that in Gen 12:2, God said he would bless Israel?. How else can you explain the grossly disproportionate level of success achieved by Jewish people as a tiny minority in the world, especially after all they have gone through? And how can you explain the success achieved by the tiny nation of Israel, surrounded by enemies outnumbering them 100 to 1 and yet still they remain victorious in all their wars?
Did you know that as evidence to indicate that Israel is the epicenter of the world from God's point of view is the fact that languages to the west of Israel are written and read from left to right as if pointing to Israel, and languages from countries to the east of Israel are written and read from right to left, again as though pointing to Israel. Just a coincidence, you say? I think not.
Did you know that the six days of creation and seventh day of rest in Genesis is a model for the six thousand years of this age (ending very soon), that is to be followed by a 1,000 year millennial reign by Christ (see 2 Peter 3:8)? Adam was born sometime prior to 4000 B.C., therefore our 6000 years are almost up.
Did you kow that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is hidden in the meaning of the Hebrew names listed in the genealogy of the book of Genesis (Research it online)? To deny this was God-inspired, one has to instead believe that a group of Jewish rabbis conspired to hide the Christian Gospel right inside a genealogy of their venerated Torah, which is not a very plausible explanation.
Did you know that solar eclipses, which the bible describes as the sun being black as sackcloth, and lunar eclipses, which the bible refers to as blood red moons, have prophetic meaning? Research it online. God showed Adam (and us) his plan for man's redemption through the use of celestial alignments. (research Mazzaroth online)
Did you know that much of the symbolism in the book of revelation refers to planetary alignments that will occur when certain events occur as prophesied? These planetary alignments also explained the birth of Christ, just search out The Bethlehem Star movie on the Internet.
Did you know that the references in Eze 39:4-17 and Rev 19:17-21 in the battle of Gog/Magog and Armageddon respectively, in which birds of prey will eat the flesh of the dead in battle from two enormous wars is based on fact? The largest bird migration in the world consisting of bilions of birds (34 species of raptors and various carrion birds) from several continents converge and fly over Israel every spring and fall. Coincidence? I think not.
Did you know that Hebrew numerology, also known as Gematria, and the numbers with biblical and prophetic significance are hidden in the Star of David? Google the video called "Seal of Jesus Christ"
Did you know that the seven Churches mentioned at the beginning of the Book of Revelation describe the seven stages the Church will go through?
There are literally hundreds of hidden messages in the bible like these that testify to the fact that the bible was God inspired. You can find them yourselves if you only take the time to look into it. Remember Proverbs 25:2 "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings".
And finally, if you are Catholic, or one who subscribes to the emergent Church or seeker-friendly Church movement, please compare the doctrine taught, advocated or accepted by your Church, with the actual bible, notwithstanding some new-age version of the bible. And remember that although the bible is often referred to as the living bible, the word "living" was never intended to imply in any way that the bible "evolves" over time to meet, or be consistent with, the standards of man. It's just the opposite.
Well, am I getting through to you? If not, the answer might be explained in the response given by Jesus Christ in his Olivet discourse when he was asked by his disciples why he spoke the way he did (in parables, etc.) in the book of Matthew 13:10-16. What Jesus said could have easily been paraphrased more clearly as "so that the damned won't get it". Why did Christ respond the way he did when asked why he spoke this way? Is there something about pride (the bible says there is) that closes one's heart to seeing or hearing the messages supernaturally hidden in bible parables, models, typologies, and similes, etc.? That should give you something to think about, but don't take too long. Time is now very short.
If it sometimes seems like there are powers at work behind the powers we know, remember what it says in Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." If you study the bible, it will become clearer.
And by the way, if you are a scoffer, this too was prophesied to occur in the last days. See 2 Peter 3:3.
& there he goes again.
Friutcake
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