On trying to kill G. Lineker TO DEATH

On trying to kill G. Lineker TO DEATH

I note that jug-eared former (spit) Tottenham footballer Gary Lineker is shilling for a well-known brand of anti-health food in their quest to find a new chemically-derived flavour for their range of otherwise tasty potato crisps.

While I might encourage readers to head directly to the Walkers website and vote for Crispy Hoisin Duck, it has come to my attention that they have not used a single one of my EXCELLENT suggestions.

Determined to set right this obvious error, I have taken it upon myself to knock out a six-pack of my flavours – which are, as you'd imagine, a veritable gangbang of taste delights – and courier them directly to the lad Lineker, c/o Match of the Day, London, with the specific instructions that NO-ONE else is to touch them. Except, perhaps, Garth Crooks.

Of course, as anyone who has tried adding vinegar to their Ready Salted to get a soggy pack of S&Vs will tell you, it's not that simple knocking out your own potato crisps. But by using SCIENCE, 100 per cent natural ingredients that you can find anywhere in your average bathroom and the finest CO2 fire extinguishers known to man, I think I might have succeeded.

All that I need now is for the Tottenham wing-nut wonder to sample my EXCELLENT wares, and this time next year, Rodders, we'll be millionaires.

So, here we go, Lineker – how d'you like THESE apples (may not actually contain apples)

- Spunk and Vinegar
- Sweat and Onion
- Bar-B-Q Turds
- Pickled Jamrag
- Rat's Cock 'n'Tail
- Pork Sword Scratchings (and Chicken Itchings, whatever they are)

And from my legion of Twitter followers:

- Old Lady and Chive (pureroon)
- Toe Cheese and Bunion
- Smoky Smegma
- Gusset Cocktail (all Lukabazooka)
- Incontinent Stoat & Pub Carpet (David Hadley)

I am not mad (Statement of fact, not a flavour).