Monday, February 23, 2009

On tasty potato-and-grease-based snacks, again

On tasty potato-and-grease-based snacks, again

A couple of weeks ago, I asked for your suggestions for new flavours of potato crisps which might be used to kill Tottenham-playing jug-eared snack food shill Gary Lineker TO DEATH.

I am pleased to tell you that our mission has been a complete 100% success, and the orange-faced wing-nut won't be fouling up our TV screens any time in the near future.


To celebrate this fact – and in the name of SCIENCE – I took a shiny pound down to my local Tesco mega-mart and purchased a stack of the new Walkers flavours to give them a good, hard test.

So, over the space of several days, my tongue like a piece of sandpaper doused in motor oil, I tested all six flavours.

And as you know, I'm not one for taking the name of some people's Lord and Saviour in vain, but - JESUS! – what evil has Lineker wrought upon this once-proud nation?

The DEATH TO G. LINEKER Taste Test Results:

-Onion Bhaji – "Brown"

-Builder's Breakfast – "Builder's buttocks. Sweaty builder's buttocks."

-Chilli and Chocolate – "Blasphemy in crisp form"

-Crispy Duck and Hoisin – "Like drinking the fat from the Sunday roast"

-Fish and Chips – "The great taste of minge, still lingering on my fingers three hours later"

-Cajun Squirrel – "Could be Cajun deep-fried pensioner for all I can tell. And probably is."
So. Only the Onion Bhaji is truly inoffensive, while the others may soon find themselves banned under the Geneva Convention.

As corporate publicity stunts go: 9/10
Tasty potato-based snacks: 2/10
Sick inna hedge quota: 17/10

Next week, I shall be asking the question: Which is better: Lard or Brillo Pads?

* May contain traces of EPIC FAIL

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