A couple of weeks ago, I asked for your suggestions for new flavours of potato crisps which might be used to kill Tottenham-playing jug-eared snack food shill Gary Lineker TO DEATH.I am pleased to tell you that our mission has been a complete 100% success, and the orange-faced wing-nut won't be fouling up our TV screens any time in the near future.
WIN!*
To celebrate this fact – and in the name of SCIENCE – I took a shiny pound down to my local Tesco mega-mart and purchased a stack of the new Walkers flavours to give them a good, hard test.
So, over the space of several days, my tongue like a piece of sandpaper doused in motor oil, I tested all six flavours.
And as you know, I'm not one for taking the name of some people's Lord and Saviour in vain, but - JESUS! – what evil has Lineker wrought upon this once-proud nation?
The DEATH TO G. LINEKER Taste Test Results:
-Onion Bhaji – "Brown"So. Only the Onion Bhaji is truly inoffensive, while the others may soon find themselves banned under the Geneva Convention.
-Builder's Breakfast – "Builder's buttocks. Sweaty builder's buttocks."
-Chilli and Chocolate – "Blasphemy in crisp form"
-Crispy Duck and Hoisin – "Like drinking the fat from the Sunday roast"
-Fish and Chips – "The great taste of minge, still lingering on my fingers three hours later"
-Cajun Squirrel – "Could be Cajun deep-fried pensioner for all I can tell. And probably is."
As corporate publicity stunts go: 9/10
Tasty potato-based snacks: 2/10
Sick inna hedge quota: 17/10
Next week, I shall be asking the question: Which is better: Lard or Brillo Pads?
* May contain traces of EPIC FAIL
27 comments:
I could a done a first but have decided to let someone else have the fame and fortune
Thanks for giving me the first
9-0. That's all I'm saying
Can we expect a re-run of the Kate Winslet story with added 'Oscar winning'?
DK
I'm guessing that at the end of all this unpleasantness the jug-eared twat will claim to have been backing the winner all along, in the vote-based travesty of democracy version of goal hanging?
Anon: YES. I will do THAT THING.
Plz to include laser-eyed Angelina Jolie for name-forgetting purposes. My favourite FORCED SMILE AND I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR HUSBAND NEXT ever!
I only tried the chilli and chocolate but still feel nauseous when I think of it. Utterly, utterly vile.
Puss
I once had a lemonade flavour crunchie, which indeed did taste of lemonade but the two flavours did not go well together.
Quite liked the Duck & Hoisin myself.
Agree 100% on the chilli chocolate... BLEURGH.
I was told by the barmaid at the Bugle Inn, Botley, Southampton on ordering my packet of chilli & chocolate flavoured crisps, that they were an Aphrodisiac.
I thought that meant you felt like having it off?
You people do put the strangest things on your chips. Only BBQ should be allowed on chips. And cheese. And sour cream and onion. And maybe some salt & vinegar...
I quite liked the onion bhaji but the squirrel was nothing like real squirrel.
Bring back hedgehog flavour, I say!
And as I already said over on the far superior Haloscan comments, suerly 'fish and chip' flavour crisps are just 'fish' flavoured bits of potato, no?
BTW, Scary, how do you know what 'Sweaty builder's buttocks' taste like?
Readers will want to know.
I know how sweaty builders buttocks taste.
Tz
You Would!
I only tried the Duck and hoisin ones - that was last week and I can STILL taste them
You still can't beat scampi fries for making the fingers smell... interesting.
Yes, your colleagues will wonder what you have been up to in your lunch hour.
I thought about suggesting 'Alaskan Buffalo' flavour, but that was before the US elections when Sarah Palin was still in the news.
The only other flavour I can come up with is 'Beer, Ciggies, Kebab, and Chavette Saliva'.
Somehow, I don't hold out much hope of my brilliant crisp-related idea ever being executed. But then, a genius is never appreciated in his own lifetime...
The local boozer were running a competition on the 'best' flavour. The most exciting thing the landlady could come up with was one flavour was suggested by "someone in High Wycombe" (about 15 miles away). Another reason to not go to Wycombe and maybe time to find a new local!
You say it better than anyone else who has blogged about the six flavours!
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