It was with a certain amount of surprise that I learned – one evening in 2002 – that I had accidentally won that national newspaper's competition, naming this site the Best Weblog in Britain, and by extension, the World.Alas, my plans for the thousand pound prize (top class slattern, slap-up meal at a Berni, finally paying off certain people over that whole 'Buggered Watermelons' thing) varied slightly from those of the level-headed and fragrant Mrs Duck, who immediately pissed the entire grand up the wall on a new boilers, so our household could enjoy such luxuries as "hot water" and "central heating".
Alas, and knowing full well that this site celebrates its seventh birthday tomorrow, The Guardian Memorial Combination Boiler has chosen this exact time to pack up and demand two hundred quid through its criminal lackeys at Br*t*sh G*s before it will function again.
Having got more right-wing as I got old, this is the kind of thing I've come to expect from a combination boiler provided by a bearded, sandal-wearing socialist newspaper such as The Guardian. A good, stout BRITISH Daily Mail boiler would still be fully functional, powered by the burning corpses of Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand.
So, instead of lying back and wondering where my next slattern is coming from (despite having one clearly marked in my Amazon Wish List), I am forced to go out and cut down the only tree on the Isle of Portland in order to heat my house.
It's all a bit of an inconvenience, as they're still using it as the island's official gibbet and it's fairly packed with dangling things of all shapes and species, providing carrion for passing seagulls and feral kids. Only last week they strung up a horse as a BLASPHEMER after a passing local heard it neighing the words "I love Satan" followed by the theme to (s)hit ITV Saturday drama 'Demons'.
Can't say I blame them, to be honest.
So. Today's lessons are these: 'Fame is not all it is cracked up to be', and ...err...'Please send cash'.
Oh, and: 'There's still plenty of good eating to be had on a week-dead horse'.
29 comments:
First !
I've read it now as well.
For best flavour you really should hang your horse for 14 days.
Yay turd!
Buy an electric fan heater. That is all.
And I cant see a slattern on your wish list. Just a load of awful crap.
Fore!! At the risk of offending young Master Meteor.
Speaking as a health professional, the burning urge to read through Scary's archives can be treated, usually with a simple course of azithromycin, or metronidazole, depending on the test results.
Fifth and sixth. Thanks for nothing, daylight saving
I read through all his archives when I first discovered him. Of course, that was over 6 years ago and it was much shorter then.
A distressing eighth.
Metronidazole has to be the most disgusting tasting antibiotic there is.
SSS - close but no cigar. Try getting a flucloxacillin capsule stuck in your throat. It will strip the top layer off and come back for more.
Not that we do this sort of thing during quiet times at t'office, you understand.
I mean this in the nicest possible way ... I am never one to push racial stereotypes ... but ... Pseudonymph, is Australia chockers full of drug dealing New Zealunders?
Yes. Yes it is. We wear our jandals and togs with pride, as we raise the collective IQ of both countries by migrating here.
Ah, but metronidazole also has fun fun fun effects when you drink alcohol. The number of times I've said: "Now, DON'T drink any alcohol AT ALL whilst you are taking this drug. Really. I'm serious. It'll fuck you up*."
Then they come back in a couple of days, with a face like a slapped arse "Yeah, but I only had a pint of Stella." Christ.
SD: Combi boilers are full of FAIL. Ours routinely breaks every six months. You can almost set your watch by it.
*Or words to that effect
And I think the poofreader needs to examine this document more closely.
I do hope that there will be more spam comments. We used to have such fun with them, back in the good old days - now they just get deleted. Snot fair.
Plus this blasted thing has gone back to forgetting who I am and I have to log in again each time.
15!!! NEARLY legal!!!!! lol
IQ, Julian?
*avoids joke about boilers in his house*
Feeling cold Rik? Dont open the cat flap again.
Obama? My friend on Flickr. WIN.
I think this is just another cunningly-worded attempt to get us to vote for you in the bloggies.
Ps. Go for a Vailliant next time. They're bomb-proof.
'There's still plenty of good eating to be had on a week-dead horse'.
Ya can't beat a dead horse.
I'm happy the boiler is working, as it's something like -30 with the wind. My advice is to get someone else to pay for it.
I haven't needed antibiotics in a very long time. But just talk to me about pain meds....
At least one thing about Portland women... you won't get a bunny boiler.
Lovely little article in this morning's Somerset County Gazette about how a local business was weathering the credit crisis. Its turnover had increased over the last few months and all jobs were secure. The business? An abbatoir. The reason for higher turnover? More horses being slaughtered for the French meat market.
I am mad.
There. I have confused you all by moving the comments over to the left.
There is a good reason for this. Oh Yes.
That Penguin looks suspicious if you ask me - little beady eyes with a wild "Take over the planet" style look in 'em.
Does this mean that Penguin Liberation Army is so desperate for fish that it's prepared to work for Br*t*sh G*s?
I think we should be told.
G.T.
Couldn't you meet half way between a lefty Gruniad and muesli powered boiler and a Daily Heil, Broken Britain Powered one and have a pink, sandal wearing one powered by the bile of the Heil. And the corpses of Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand.
I had noticed they are on the left. Is that to join the Grauniad boiler?
And the poxy thing has forgotten me again.
Debster
Stop moving things around. It's making me seasick.
Just make a giant fire out of unsold copies of The Guardian.
That will show those left-wing lunatics!
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