Accidentally finding myself in front of Dan Brown's latest, I realised I haven't done a condensed movie for ages. Here it is, then, reduced down to the easy-to-understand language of today's youth. And a computer language that only old people willl understand.
Plot accuracy, continuity and decent grammar, as always, not entirely guaranteed.
ANGLES and Demons
Teh Pope: Hello. I am the FECKING POPE and I am excellent. I hope I don't die in this film, that would be complete FAIL. Oh
Scientist Bird: Hello. I am Scientist Bird and I am excellent. I hope somebody doesn't steal my secret stash of FECKING ANTI-MATTER and use it to blow up THE FECKING VATICAN or something. Oh
F. Gump: Hello. I am F. Gump and I am excellent. You might remember me from such films as Toy Story and Bachelor Party. I hope nobody spoils my excellent day off and drag me to Italy by magic continuity-busting hypersonic jet to solve the mysterious disappearance of some FECKING ANTI-MATTER that is being used to blow up THE FECKING VATICAN. Oh
Two minutes later
F. Gump: Fuck me rigid. I'm in THE FECKING VATICAN already
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Hello. I am O. Kenobi and I am excellent. Also, I am technically THE FECKING POPE and not in any way evil at all *waves hand mysteriously*
F. Gump: You are not evil in any way at all
O. Kenobi: Jedi mind-tricks - for the WIN. By the way - no reason for telling you this at all, for it has no apparant bearing on future events - did I ever tell you I was a) adopted by the man who was until very recently THE FECKING POPE and b) a fully trained helicopter pilot?
F. Gump: No. You did not, and I have forgotten this information already, and I suggest that the cinema audience does the same, for it has no bearing whatsoever on the end of the film
Vatican Cop Bloke: I hate you F. Gump, but you have to find our kidnapped God Botherers before they get killed TO DEATH by TEH FECKING ILLUMINATI and stop THE FECKING VATICAN getting blown to pieces by solving a number of ridiculously simple puzzles. All before midnight.
F. Gump: No pressure, then
Scientist Bird: I will come with you to be the audience's representative in the drama and ask stupid questions as you arrive seconds too late to rescue the poor, dead God Botherers.
F. Gump: Yes. I have already solved the first ridiculously easy puzzle based on the elements Earth, Wind, Fire and The Other One.
Vatican Cop Bloke: I shall immediately arrest anyone who so much as hums Boogie Wonderland.
F. Gump: What's this? Looks like a clue
10 FOR A=1 to 4 STEP 1F. Gump: COCK
20 INPUT "Which church would you like to go to?" CHURCH$
30 GOTO CHURCH A
40 IF godbotherer$="DEAD" PRINT "Tough luck, you arrived at" CHURCH$ "too late to save THE GOD BOTHERER. Try again."
50 NEXT A
60 PRINT "Sorry. We have blown up THE FECKING VATICAN"
Scientist Bird: That's it. We might as well blow up THE FECKING VATICAN ourselves.
F. Gump: Ahhahahahah. There's hope - he hasn't defined godbother$ or a database for the value of CHURCH. I AM EXCELLENT and THE BASIC KING
Assassin: ARSE. But I shall still get away scot free, unless the people paying me pots of money have hidden a bomb under my car. Oh
F. Gump: LOLOL
Scientist Bird: LOLOLOLOL
F.Gump: But we must get back to THE FECKING VATICAN before they blow up all of TEH FECKING CARDINALS before they get to elect a new FECKING POPE
Vatican Cop Bloke: Wait...what? You're supposed to be dead.
F. Gump: Pardon?
Vatican Cop Bloke: Err... Nothing. *Legs it*
F. Gump: I bet if I look in a secret compartment in his desk I can find where the FECKING ANTI-MATTER is hidden by solving a ridiculously easy clue
F. Gump: Yes. The FECKING ANTI-MATTER is hidden in the tomb of St Paul *facepalm*
Scientist Bird: And it is too late to switch it off. I notice there is a helicopter outside - if only there was a trained pilot nearby who could fly it to safety and jumped back to earth in a parachute - a device which is not routinely carried in helicopters on account of the danger of leaping into flailing rotors.
O. Kenobi: Yes. Yes. If only. And there. I have flown it to safety and jumped back to earth in a parachute - a device which is not routinely carried in helicopters on account of the danger of leaping into flailing rotors. And not to get myself declared Pope despite all them murders I done. Whoops. Too late for a Jedi mind trick?
F. Gump: Wait... FECK ME - You ARE evil
O. Kenobi: Yoinks! *runs away*
[This bit was omitted from the film, but Dan Brown was good enough to actually publish the Star Wars ending in the book]
O. Kenobi: But... but...I never killed THE FECKING POPE. THE FECKING POPE knew my father
TEH CARDINALS: THE FECKING POPE *was* your father
O. Kenobi: ONOZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! *kills himself*
F. Gump: Priests, eh?
TEH CARDINALS: And after that little scrape, we have decided to elect someone who is worthy to hold the office of Pope and Bishop of Rome. Habemus Papam!
Wee Jimmy Krankie: FANDABIDOZI!