On words that make you want to commit murder

On words that make you want to commit murder


1. "UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA"

The supermarket sliding doors open, and a breath of air rustles over the self-service till. As one, all four customers roll their eyes and wait for the assistant to address their non-functioning scanner with the "You're a spacker" swipe card.

You are a prisoner of technology, and the machines have decided that you are an unworthy example of humanity, turning on their fleshy masters in the only way they know how.

"UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA"

Enraged, you grab the nearest item to hand – a pot of value brand coleslaw from the "Reduced to Clear" shelf, and pour it into the loose change slot.

You are carted away in a police van, despite being feted as a hero by the shopping proletariat masses, a Facebook campaign page for your release already having a massive six members, and your partially eaten French stick returned to the shelves.

And there, in your police cell, a figure comes out of the shadows, and you realise – with some horror – that you are not alone.

"UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA"