On helping old ladies cross the road
You never see Boy Scouts helping old ladies across the road these days.
It's not that they don't want to - it's the NuLab Politically Correct Do-Gooder Brigade that won't let them, in case a frail pensioner accidentally falls into the relentlessly flailing machinery of a passing snow-blower and sues the Scots* back to the Stone Age.
In the words of Tomorrow's World: "That is, until now."
Like the Scouts, I have "Been Prepared" and have personally addressed the problem of flocks of pensioners stranded on the wrong side of the road, so near yet so far from their part-time job at the local pole-dancing club. As a cleaner.
The satisfying sound of the Scaryduck Labs air-powered granny-cannon, lobbing senior citizens over roaring traffic, landing happily on a Scaryduck Labs mattress, cunningly stolen from Weymouth tip and place on the pavement opposite this mighty weapon.
I'll be the first to admit that the testing of the guidance system didn't go as well as hoped; but despite the hoo-hah kicked up by the local press all of my brave testers were buried under quicklime with full honours.
Now that this rigorous testing process is complete, we are able to place a Mark 27 Granny Cannon on every street corner and the Scout movement will be able to close down at last.
Next Week - Disbanding and disarming the Boys Brigade: A Global Problem
* Also: The Scouts. Who needs one of these new-fangled "spellcheckers"?