"So Mr Duck - what you're telling us is this," said the Inspector from the other side of the interview table, "You say you were relaxing at home, wearing matching items of clothing that are known as ...err... Snuggies."
"That's right," I reply, "Snuggies. The blanket with sleeves that thinks it's a dressing gown. Matching set. All black."
"You were - according to the statement you've given us - opening several sacks of fan mail using your ceremonial letter opener."
"That is correct. Although, to be brutally honest, it's more of a bayonet."
"Quite. Quite. Meanwhile, your fragrant wife - who we have in the cells - was reading aloud from her Open University course book on Applied Witchcraft and Cultism."
"Magic, that woman. Magic."
"While your children - also clad in matching Snuggies..."
"Matching Snuggies - The blanket with sleeves that thinks it's a dressing gown."
"Yes. We know. Matching Snuggies - were doing what you maintain was their school homework, having just had an accident with a catering-size tube of red poster paint and a jar of pickled beetroot."
Let the record show that the interviewee nods his head to show agreement.
"And you tell us that the reason The Beatles Sgt Pepper album was playing backwards was due to a technical fault with the CD player."
"Made in China."
"...and the huge dripping black candles were the result of an earlier power cut."
"Also made in China."
"That being the exact moment WPC Beadle - who was, up until that moment both a virgin and very much alive - knocked at your door selling tickets for the Secret Policeman's Ball."
"Look Officer - It's not as bad as it seems..."