Last weekend to the flicks, to take the kids to see the Not-Harry-Potter-At-All movie Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief, in which a child with a mysterious - and possibily magical - past finds himself befriending a know-it-all girl and a goofy lad at a school for children with similar powers, before going on a quest to solve a mystery that is threatening their way of life.
It's hardly worth condensing the thing for your amusement, so here are a few highlights:
Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief
M. Jackson: Hello. I am M Jackson and I am excellent. Today I shall be mostly bamboozlin' the BAD GODS with my hip an' shakin' dance moves. Ow! I mean - Oh. I am dead. Over to you, my identical twin brother P. Jackson
P. Jackson: Hello. I am not H. Potter and I am excellent. Even though I live with the ...err... Dursleys, I have found out that my old dad is AN ACTUAL GREEK GOD. This is actually a bit shit.
Zeus: And you are a frickin' lightning thief, Not H. Potter. Give me back my ...err... rod
Alan Partridge: Ah-haaaa! I am Voldemort ...err... Hades, teh third best KING OF TEH UNDERWORLD. Give it to me, you terrible lightning thief.
P. Jackson: I have escaped to Hogwarts ...err... Camp Half Blood, and have met up with two people who are certainly not Ron and Hermione. And FECK ME - it's JAMES BLOODY BOND!
J. Bloody Bond: Hello. I am not Dumbledore and I am excellent You must go on a QUEST and get back Zeu's big rod
P. Jackson: Hot poop! I just cut off U. Thurman's head because she is TEH MEDUSA! Also, I have done some other stuff with the Hydra and TEH LOTUS EATERS with my magical power over water and now I must go TO HELL to battle Alan Partridge
A. Partidge: Ah-haaaaa! Oh, you have tricked me.
P. Jackson: Now to play Quidditch ...errr... fight Not Draco Malfoy over New York and get TEH ROD back to Zeus
Zeus: Nice one, cheers
P. Jackson: Now to KILL the NOT UNCLE DURSLEY completely to DEATH with the head of U. Thurman, because this film somewhat lacks a moral compass.
A. Partidge: Cashback!
The trouble is, I missed most of the film. With these new-fangled 3-D movies hitting the screen, 20th Century Fox has come up with the ploy of allowing the God-like powers of the characters extend out from the screen. And thus, young P. Jackson's power over water had me in the gents at least three times during the two hour running time.
Good thing it wasn't about Vomitus, the Greek God of Hedges.