...is whoever it was who woke up in the middle of the night - shaking and sweating with excitement - with the words: "I know! Why don't we combine supermarkets and petrol stations!"And then, he drove to his office in Tesco World Headquarters, where his entire life is dominated by the words "point of sale", "return on investment" and - worst of all - "synergy" to put his dreadful scheme into effect.
For that single thought brings us to the next, teaming, group of people up against the wall...
...people who fill their cars up with pretrol, who then go and do their weekly shop, leaving their car at the pump.
For these people are - if you will allow me to express myself - the biggest bunch of selfish shit-for-brains that ever drew breath.
Actually, they're worse than that. You watch them, heart sinking, turning left into the depths of the supermarket instead of heading straight for the till. And you know that you, and the twenty cars behind you are in for a wait, in which it is likely the end of the world will come first.
Theen, a quarter of an hour later, they emerge with three bags of shopping, juggling car keys, cigarettes and lottery scratch cards, as they amble towards their vehicle. They catch sight of you, pulling a "Fuck you, I wish you were dead" face and shrug. Shrug, and spend anothe five minutes not actually driving off.
It's that kind of person who makes me so angry that I nearly say something.
These people, I am reliably led to believe, are allowed to have children, vote and hold positions of responsibility in society. THEY MUST BE STOPPED.
But really: Tied to a stake at low tide and left for the crabs. Then fire the crabs into the heart of a nuclear reactor, and seal it in concrete for 10,000 years.
12 comments:
Thanks for the much needed laughs. This blog post is hilarious. It's already 8 AM and I'm first. Where are all the spicy brains?
Everyone was up late last night eating pandas...
Yes, the Tesco filling station that is invariably on the premises of a giant SUPERMARKET.Tsk.
And the next time you want to pick up a bag of sugar to pour into their petrol tank, just think, where can I get one from handily?
I was busy buying eel repellent for my hovercraft after I got some petrol...
OH!
WoD
Is pretrol similar to postrol?
And of course this does not include your good self, who only picks up a bar of choklit and some crisps on the way to pay for the pretrol.
You need to get 6" x 8" cards made up with "You, Sir (or Madam) are a bloody idiot - die in a fire" on them and stick under their windscreen wiper while they are shopping.
I disagree Sewmouse - not cards, but very, VERY sticky labels to cover the windscreen :)
I find my brains are more savoury than spicy, after eating pandas.
I can think of a few people I'd like to tie to a stake at low tide, left for the crabs. Not sure if I'd punnish the crabs though. But still, I suppose a good idea is a good idea...
"...And the next person up against the wall..."
Is your real name Wolfie Smith, Alistair?
I agree, by the way. Get the bastards names down in your book.
If they were sticky labels they would be at the pumps even longer scraping them off.
Hmmm! Someone has been shopping at Morrisons on Dorchester Rd...the only place to give me strange fantasies involving a minigun and several tactical nukes :)
Post a Comment