Monday, February 28, 2011

Shaving with Gravy

Shaving with Gravy

I've just cracked open a new tin of shaving gel. And frankly...

Dear Nivea

I'm not going to beat about the bush with false platitudes and what-not. I'm just going to say it:

Your sensitive skin Shaving Gel looks just like man's spunk. I opened the new tin, pressed the button, and watched in horror as a jet of jism spurted out all over my hand.

Unless you have extensive market research that proves the opposite, no man wants to shave his face with spunk, for it is ten shades of wrongness.

For did not Moses come off down the mountain and tell his people: "Thou shalt not shave thy faces with thyne own man gravy, or the man gravy of thyne brother, for it is an ABOMINATION in the face of The Lord, and those who commit such BLASPHEMY shall suffer death"? I think you'll find that he did, and is one of the main reasons that all known photographs of the great man show him sporting a bloody huge beard.

And despite being a deity-curious atheist, I'm with old Jehovah on this one. Unless you're willing to change the name to "Nivea Bukkake-Gel for men who like to shave their faces with actual spunk", I'm going to jump ship and purchase a tube of King of Shaves Fanny Batter Foam.

Be Lucky

Your pal,

Albert O'Balsam

PS If it really is spunk, my ...err... friend wants to know if you've got any jobs going.
If I get a reply, I'll eat my carpet slippers.

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