On grasping The Big Society with both hands and becoming a Lollipop Lady

On grasping The Big Society with both hands and becoming a Lollipop Lady

With government cuts biting hard, and the Big Society coming into full effect, I've decided that I'm going to jack it all in and be a lollipop lady.

Budgets are tight down in Dorset, and, quite sensibly, cuts are to be aimed at those least likely to fight back: for eg, small children crossing busy roads during a rainy morning rush hour, too slow to escape the relentless, crushing wheels of a forty-ton truck delivering its precious load to the new Tesco up on Portland.

And that's where the Big Society comes in. Why pay these expensive Lollipop Ladies when you can get some publicly-spirited volunteer to do it for free? Getting up at the crack of doom as the frozen rain comes down sideways, ushering the smallfry across the busiest road in town under the piercing, hateful gaze of drivers, their commute held up by a whole twenty seconds of their busy, productive lives.

All for no payment whatsoever except the satisfaction that you are keeping the Chief Executive of the County Council in freshly-peeled virgins, as is his birthright.

Why I shouldn't become a Lollipop Lady:

- Rubbish hours

- Rubbish uniform

- No actual money

- Not a lady

- Having to get up first thing on a rainy Tuesday to help the worthless spawn of the loins of this town across the road without actually dying under the relentless, crushing wheels of a forty-ton truck

- Rush hour drivers. The biggest bunch of buggers and bastards on the planet. When Obi Wan Kenobi called Mos Eisley "a wretched hive of scum and villainy", he was referring to the Tatooine spaceport's morning rush hour, which he used to sit in day in, day out in his Nissan Landspeeder on the way to his job as a wage slave to the Hutt (Jabba) Corporation. And when the local Lollipop Lady stepped out in front of him, the Dark Side took over

Why I should become a Lollipop Lady:

- Grateful yummy mummies, many of whom claim to "like a man in uniform", who, after taking their offspring to school of a morning appear to be at a bit of a loose end at EXACTLY the same time you knock off work.

That's a big YES, then.

This can only end in one thing. Yeah, WOE