Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Big Society Doctor

Big Society Doctor

A final stab - as it were - at volunteering for the Big Society

With government cuts biting hard, and the Big Society coming into full effect, I've decided that my attempts to serve this community as either a Lollipop Lady or a Hot Librarian really aren't going to come to much.

It's all rather laudible axing these public services and putting them into the hands of a keen band of volunteers (being the kind of person who sits in freezing village halls taking the minutes at the Brownie Group Parents Committee), but I crave the kind of position that earns me respect. Respect and Yummy Mummies.

Therefore, I'm going for The Big One. I'm going to volunteer to be a Big Society Doctor.

I'll be the first to admit that I've got no formal training save for once watching my late mother (a district nurse, as it happens) syringe the ears of some old bloke of enough wax to start a very small candle factory. I also, as a confused adolescant, got to glop over copies of the Nursing Times and the British Medical Journal, but I've said too much on that front already.

However, I've seen enough episodes of Casualty and Doc Martin to know one end of a cadaver from the other, and I've got a copy of a useful book from Amazon, for eg: "Shorter NHS waiting lists and how to achieve them" by Dr Harold Shipman.

Also, in preparation for holding surgeries for my preferred customer base (becauise, according to the latest NHS refrom bumpf, they're no longer patients) I have taken time out from my busy schedule to watch the following instructional videos I found on the internet:

* Hot MILF visits the doctor

And if there's one thing I have learned from that cinematic masterpiece, it is this: Employ a Hot Big Society Nurse.

Actually, it's two things: Keep the central heating down low, or every customer and Hot Big Society Nurse keeps saying "It's so hot in here", before all their clothes fall off.

Nothing - NOTHING - could possibly go wrong.

Right. Who's next? You'd better not be old, young, poor or ill. That's all.

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