On grasping The Big Society with both hands and becoming a Hot Librarian

On grasping The Big Society with both hands and becoming a Hot Librarian

With government cuts biting hard, and the Big Society coming into full effect, I've decided that I'm going to jack in my rubbish job as a lollipop lady and work in a library.

Budgets are tight down in Dorset, and, quite sensibly, cuts are to be aimed at those least likely to fight back: for eg, tramps looking for somewhere to sleep in between using the free internet to keep up with their pals on Tramps Reunited.

And that's where the Big Society comes in. Why pay these expensive, hot librarians when you can get some publicly-spirited volunteer to do it for free? It is a BLASPHEMY to all right-thinking Daily Express readers to even imagine these so-called librarians, lounging around in warm, centrally-heated buildings, sipping coffee, feet up on copies of the GOOD LORD'S Bible, mocking us all with their platinum-plated pensions, smouldering behind the counter in the way that only hot librarians can manage.

This is the kind of job that ought to be done for nothing by the kind of person that works in charity shops, for it is no different. In fact, they should close all the libraries, merge them with charity shops, and nobody would even notice. And I want some of that hot librarian action.

All for no payment whatsoever except the satisfaction that you are keeping the Chief Executive of the County Council in freshly-peeled virgins, as is his birthright. And the company of hot librarians.

Why I shouldn't become a Hot Librarian

- Tramps

- Tramps on the free internet surfing Reader's Tramps Dot Com

- Having to change my name to Coleman the Librarian

- Allergic to rubber stamps, inability to say the word "Shhh!" without adding "ite" at the end, which could annoy the other Hot Librarians

- Not actually being Hot Librarian material, for eg: Not Hot. Not a Librarian

- The continued stocking of books by Dan Brown, DESPITE THE PROPHECY

- Not actually getting paid for it

Why I should become a Hot Librarian

- Grateful yummy mummies, many of whom claim to "like a man with a brain", who, after requesting if you have anything on naked yoga, ask if you'd care to show them the contents of your reference section

- The continued stocking of books by "Anonymous", DESPITE THE PROPHECY

Actually, come to think of it, I'd much rather my local libraries stayed a) open and b) staffed by salaried hot librarians as the valued, vital members of the community that they are.

Right, kids?